


Begin in the Dark, and Hope

by oncethrown



Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: M/M, philip and helen are learning to be in a family, philip and lukas are working on their trauma, philip and lukas at school, there's a cute dog
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-20
Updated: 2017-01-29
Packaged: 2018-09-10 13:59:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Underage
Chapters: 11
Words: 26,970
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8919850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oncethrown/pseuds/oncethrown
Summary: After weeks of keeping secrets, running, hiding, lying and finally being shot, outed and kidnapped, Lukas and Philip take a stab at being normal. Lukas tries to figure out how to slowly come out while Philip deals with trauma and his mother's death and Helen runs up against the parenting challenges of having a dating teenager in the house.Takes place between the end and the epilogue of Episode 10





	1. Chapter 1

The hayloft was, evidently, a paradise. At least if you were a foot long and small enough to be carried up the ladder in one hand, the way this little lap dog was.

 

Philip watched the dog, some sort of yorkie mix, as it ran around the floor of the hayloft, occasionally breaking its circle to bolt into a corner, sniff it, and bark joyously at nothing before running back to where Philip was laying to lick his fingers with grateful devotion. 

 

Gabe was watching the dog for a client. When Philip had gone out to the barn for some fresh air, the dog had followed him then whined when he disappeared up the ladder. So he’d gone back for it. He’d been dazedly watching the little guy’s lust for life for the last twenty minutes.

 

The dog ran back to the center of the hayloft, then to the last unexplored corner, barking at it a few times before turning and running back toward Philip.  

 

The dog suddenly froze, one teeny paw still lifted in the air, both ears perked. Philip watched him for a second, a chill moving down his spine just as the dog started to growl.

 

He launched himself to his feet and ducked behind a three hay bale stack, listening to the ancient ladder creak and groan under someone’s weight. 

 

“Philip? You up here?”

 

Philip sighed in relief, and hurriedly went back to his earlier spot so Lukas wouldn't know he’d tried to hide. He really was better than he had been last week. 

 

“Yeah, I’m up here.”

 

Lukas’s hair blended in so well with the hay, Philip nearly didn’t notice when Lukas’s head popped up through the hole in the floor. 

 

The dog barked, rushed Lukas, stopped as Lukas pulled himself up into the loft, and barked again.

 

“Hey, no,” Philip sighed, holding his hand out to the dog and making the same teeth sucking noise Gabe used to call the dog over. “It's okay. Come here, Popover, it's just Lukas.”

 

“Popover?” Lukas snorted as he followed the dog over to Philip, shrugging off his back pack. The little dog stopped barking as Lukas sat down, and bolted over to lick his fingers too. “Tell me you didn't name this dog Popover.”

 

Philip shook his head. “No. I didn't name him anything. Gabe is watching him for some old lady. She came over to drop him off wearing a fuzzy pink sweater and purple crocs.”

 

Lukas laughed gently, and pressed a kiss to Philip’s cheek. Philip turned to catch his lips. 

 

“Hey,” Lukas whispered. 

 

“Hey,” Philip replied. “Did you go to school today?”

 

“Yeah, I did. Brought you something.” He unzipped his bag and dug a handful of loose copy paper and a couple text books out of it. Philip looked over the paperwork. 

 

“Notes?”

 

“Yeah. Helen talked to all your teachers. You can catch up in most your classes with a couple quizzes and papers.”

 

Philip looked through the papers. “You have really neat handwriting.”

 

Lukas laughed. “No, I don't. These are from Rose. And some of them are from teachers. I don't really take notes.”

 

A weird little pop happened in Philip’s chest. “Rose?”

 

“Yeah. She… umm. I think she's worried about you. She handed me these at lunch today. They look pretty good, right?”

 

Philip’s first instinct was to wonder why Rose would worry about him, but he remembered the way she’d hugged him in the hospital before he actually said anything. Rose was worried about him because she was a good person.

 

“She asked me if you were okay,” Lukas said carefully. “If you’d come back to school soon.”

 

Philip shuffled the notes into a neater pile and tucked them into the larger textbook. Lukas wrapped his arm around Philip’s shoulders and Philip settled against him.

 

“I tried to go today,” Philip sighed. “I got up and got dressed and everything. Helen made me breakfast. Just…couldn't do it.”

 

“Yeah.” Lukas sighed. “I get it.”

 

A few feet away, Popover seemed to hear something inside one of the hay bales. He leapt at it and bounced off. Philip didn’t laugh, but he felt a little bit of a dip in his chest. Like he could have laughed if he’d really tried. 

 

“Maybe tomorrow?” Lukas asked, rubbing his palm over Philip’s shoulder.

 

“No. No, I’ve got another appointment in the city tomorrow and I always feel weird after. Thursday, though. I’m gonna go on Thursday.”

 

“Do you like your shrink?” Lukas asked, catching Philip’s hand and using it to pull Philip closer.

 

“Yeah. She's fine I guess,” Philip replied as Lukas played with his fingers. “I mean. I've had worse and she didn't push me too hard to talk about stuff.” He sighed deeply and squeezed Lukas’s hand. “I’ve just had to talk to so many people since my mom lost custody of me and I just… It feels…I’d just rather not do it right now. Plus I told her I didn't want pills and she wrote me a prescription anyway. Clonazepam. Helen says it's a sedative in case of panic attacks or flashbacks and that I don’t have to take it.” He sighed. Popover abandoned his attack on the hay bale and came over to lick Philip’s hand again.

 

“Dr. Marie gave me Xanax,” Lukas said. “Helped me get back to school, but they made me feel sort of dizzy and like I’m gonna hurl so I don't take them unless I start to freak out.”

 

“Yeah. I just… I don’t want to take pills. And my doctor keeps telling me that I need to talk about things and I just… I don’t want to yet. I try, because I know Helen and Gabe are paying her, but… I feel a lot better just sitting up here playing with the dog than driving to the city and telling the millionth old woman my sob story.”

 

Popover seemed to understand he had been mentioned. He looked at Philip with dark wet eyes and panted happily. 

 

“Isn't talking about stuff the point?” Lukas asked. “I mean I totally unloaded on the shrink my dad sent me to. Like, everything.” 

 

“Everything?”

 

“Yeah. The cabin. You. The murders. The turkeys. My dad. The hospital. Rose. Umm… the motel. A little.”

 

Philip nodded. “Is it… do you feel like it helps?”

 

He felt Lukas’s body move underneath him, more of a squirm than a shrug. “I… there aren’t a lot of people I can talk to about… all this stuff. I mean… like. I know I can talk to you, it’s just…”

 

Philip waited while Lukas slid his hand around Philip’s and stammered a little more.

 

“We got to hang out and just… do stupid shit for like a week, Philip. Before the murders happened. And I didn’t even want you to know that I liked you and then everything was always so fucked up. I don’t want _everything_ we talk about to be like… court dates and nightmares and flashbacks and therapist visits.  You know? I want to come over and actually be a little normal sometimes. And she… I talk to Dr. Marie about… telling people about you. And she’s helping me with that. And I…” Lukas sighed. “I know it bums you out that you’re a secret. I’m trying. I told Taylor and Micah that you’re the one who shot all that awesome footage for my channel. I told them that we’re friends.”

 

“What did they say?” Philip asked. 

 

Lukas reached across Philip, picked up Popover, and set the little dog in Philip’s lap. Popover sniffed Philip’s jacket and stuck his head under it. Philip felt his warm dog breath against his stomach. 

 

“What did they say?” he repeated. 

 

“Okay, look, there’s something I should tell you before you go back to school,” Lukas said heavily. 

 

Cold ran through Philips body like his veins had frozen. 

 

“Everyone knows that I got shot and we got kidnapped by the murderer.”

 

“What?” Philip demanded. “How? It’s supposed to be a secret. There’s still an investigation going on.”

 

“This is what a small town is like. They locked down the hospital, anyone who knows someone who worked there, or was staying there, heard about that. I mean… that’s most of the town right there. The murders are the only thing in the news here, so it was a big deal that the killer got caught. People know Helen caught him, cause the paper said so. They know there were teenage hostages, cause the paper said so. And Evan Kowalski’s older sister’s roommate was in the maternity ward and she saw Gabe trying to hide us. Plus people figured out that we were both out of school at the same time.”

 

“Okay… so… so. The whole school knows that… what?”

 

“Well. They don’t actually know shit. That’s the hard part. It’s the most interesting thing that’s ever happened in Tivoli, so there are a ton of rumors. Like… someone asked Taylor if we were in the drug gang. Someone asked Rose if she thought we were dead. Somebody asked me if I knew that murdered girl.”

 

Lukas’s words turned into a buzzing in Philip’s head. It was like another nightmare. Going to school and having to talk about it. Defend himself. Try and get people to listen to the truth when he still couldn’t tell them most of it. 

 

It almost made him understand why Lukas had been so freaked out about people learning he was gay. 

 

Popover came out of Philip’s jacket to sniff Lukas. Lukas patted the little dog’s butt and scratched right above his tail. “He’s pretty cute for having such a terrible name.”

 

Popover barked and rushed up Lukas’s chest, feverishly attempting to lick his nose. Lukas gasped in pain, seized the dog around the middle, and carefully set him back into the hay.

 

“You okay?”

 

“Yeah,” Lukas grit out, setting his free hand to his chest, where the bullet had gone in. “He just stepped right on it.”

 

Philip turned, wrapped his arm around Lukas’ waist, and carefully pulled himself a little closer to the other boy. Lukas was warm and his body was firm, with just a touch of softness across his stomach. Philip found himself suddenly very aware of the fact that it had been a little over a week since they’d had sex. Plus Helen and Gabe would be gone for a while longer. This would be a good time to do it again and he didn't know when the next good time would be. Lukas’s hand moved from Philip’s shoulder to his back, then up into his hair.

 

They lay together like that for a few more moments. Touching just a little more of each other with every swipe of their hands. 

 

“So… do you want to go to your room?” Lukas asked warmly. 

 

Philip gripped Lukas’s shirt a little tighter. “No,” he sighed finally. “I’m sorry. I… I _want_ to want to go to my room, I’m just not really in the mood right now. I’m sorry.”

 

Lukas kissed his temple. “It’s okay. But…”

 

“But what?”

 

“Can we do something besides sit up here in the hayloft again? We could walk down to the pond. Or shoot some riding footage if you’re up for it.”

 

Philip tried to imagine it. Climbing out of Lukas’s arms. Leaving the hayloft. Going down to the water where Lukas had been shot. Watching Lukas do what he’d been doing when he got shot. 

 

He shook his head. “I don’t know.”

 

“Okay,” Lukas said. “Okay. Does the dog have a leash?”

 

“Yeah. It’s on the porch.”

 

“Let’s take him for a walk.”

 

Popover clearly knew the word walk. He abandoned whatever he’d been sniffing at on the hayloft floor and launched himself toward the boys again, a tiny black and brown ball of excitemtn. 

 

Lukas laughed. “Okay. Now we have to take him. Look how disappointed he’ll be.”

 

“Yeah,” Philip agreed, finally smiling. “You’re right.”

 


	2. Chapter 2

 

Lukas could feel Philip breathing. The movement of his back was steady against Lukas’s chest. Riiiiiiisssssssseeee, a little sting of discomfort as Philip’s shoulder presses against Lukas’s still healing injury, fffffffaaaaaaaaallll. Over and over again. Hypnotizing. He kissed Philip’s hair and wondered if he’d fallen asleep.

The dog was asleep on Philip's feet, snoring.

They’d walked off Helen and Gabe’s farm, through the trees behind it, and along the spit of grass between crops until they’d hit the stretch of untilled land full of scrubby grass and ponds. Until the dog, who Lukas refused to call Popover, even in his own head, had laid down and refused to move any further. Philip had picked him up and carried him. They’d wound up at a pond, and had sat, talking about nothing and skipping rocks, until Lukas had kissed Philip, and Philip had kissed him back, and they’d made out in the grass just long enough that Lukas was starting to really feel that week between the last time he’d felt Philip’s warm skin under his hands and now. Thank goodness the dog had woken up and stuck his tongue in Lukas’s ear, or Lukas would have had a very uncomfortable walk back.

They’d been on the couch now for an hour or so. The TV was on, but Lukas realized that had no idea what they were even watching. He’d worked himself into that happy, blank daze he wound up in around Philip some times. When he stroked his arms, played with his fingers or made him smile. He hoped those things made Philip feel as good as they made him feel. It was hard to see him so sad.

The sound of a car crunching over gravel made Lukas jump. Philip started to move away, out of his arms to a a less….obvious spot on the couch. Lukas let him sit all the way up before he fought down the worry that had stabbed through his warm content like an icy wind, then wrapped his hands around Philip’s elbows and pulled him back.

“You sure?” Philip muttered in a warm, muffled voice.

“Yeah,” Lukas told him. “It's fine.”

Philip sunk back into him as the car engine turned off. The easy relaxation was gone now. Lukas could feel the muscles at the side of his neck and the back of his shoulders winding tighter with every footstep up to the front door, and as he started to hear their soft laughter and easy conversation.

He grit his teeth as the door opened, but kept his hands on Philip as soft as he could. It was fine. He needed to start recognizing the difference between how he imagined people would react to him feeling this way about Philip, and how people actually reacted. Gabe and Helen had never been anything but okay with it. Happy about it, even.

It was fine.

But as the door opened, he clutched Philip’s wrist and Philip whispered “You don't have to,” while Helen and Gabe shuffled bags around at the door.

“Yeah, I do.”

“Hey, boys,” Gabe greeted them calmly as he set down grocery bags. “How’s it going?”

“Good,” they both chorused back. Philip pulled out of Lukas’s arms as Helen came in with more groceries, greeting them in the same totally-unweirded out way that Gabe had.

“Do you want help?” He asked.

Helen smiled at him. “Yeah. Thank you, Philip.”

Lukas joined him, carrying in bags until Helen wrapped an arm around Gabe and asked Lukas if he was staying for dinner.

“Uh, I can't tonight. My Dad… he’s kind of trying to make Tuesday dinner…a thing. I guess. I should probably head out, actually.”

“Another time,” Gabe said with a smile. Lukas nodded and headed for the front door, Philip following him.

“Text me tomorrow? Let me know how your appointment went?” Lukas said, pulling on one of his riding boots and doing up the laces.

Philip nodded as the dog trotted over,licking Lukas’s fingers as he tried to tie his other boot.

Philip opened the door behind him and handed Lukas his helmet as they walked out into the yard.

“See you tomorrow?” Philip asked.

“Yeah. Of course.”

“Your friends don't wonder where you go every night?”

Lukas wasn't expecting the question, and it took him a couple tries to answer with more than a shrug. “I guess maybe they do. But they haven't asked me.” He shrugged again. “Besides? After everything thst’s happened? What would I even do with them? Play First person shooters? Get drunk? Talk about girls?”

“You’d rather skip rocks with me?”

“Yeah, “ Lukas threw a leg over his bike, leaned over and pulled Philip into a kiss. “Yeah, I would. You want me to give you a ride to school on Thursday?”

Philip bit his lip and nodded. Lukas kissed him again and started the engine.

* * *

 

Lukas stopped halfway between Philip's house and his own, pulled the little orange bottle out of the compartment under his seat, and swallowed one of his xanax dry.

He felt guilty doing it. Even though the pills were prescription and he was taking them twice a day, exactly like the bottle said to, it still nagged at him. For one thing, he didn't think he could face dinner with his father without one. The idea of sitting down, in silence, no TV, no phone, nothing, was making him start to freak out. For another, every time he took one he saw the look that had been on Philip's face the only time he’d taken one in front of him. Philip hadn't said anything, he hadn't even moved, but it was like a light had switched off behind his eyes.

Plus, he’d told Philip that he only took them when he started to freak out…which was true, but he started to freak out whenever the last one wore off.

He rubbed his tongue across the roof of his mouth, trying to wash away the bitter taste of the pills as he tucked the bottle back under his seat next to the other thing he’d gotten at the pharmacy: a pack of five condoms. Durex. Ultra thin. Carefully hidden in an extra pair of socks.

That part was still a little surreal. Not that he’d actually done it, but how great it had been. Everyone always talked about how great sex was. Everyone made it such a big deal. They talked around body parts they didn't want to name and actions they didn't want to admit to.

But Lukas had never heard anyone talk about the bliss he’d felt with Philip. With a bullet hole in his chest, a killer after them, on a bed that smelled a little like corn chips, he’d felt light and happy and… more… than he’d felt in so long. It was scary and incredible and he wanted to do it again so badly.

And no one would ever think to look for the proof of that in his bike seat. Especially not his father.

And thank god, because Lukas knew he couldn't have that conversation. He was still struggling not to lie when his father asked him where he had been, he definitely couldn't handle talking about how he felt when he was there. And, as far as he was concerned, his father could spend his life thinking that Lukas and Philip had never so much as shook hands.

“Went to hang out with Philip, he’s still not doing great,” was so had to get out of his mouth, and the way his father’s face went tight while he struggled to form a follow up question made it hard to tell him more.

They were both trying. Really they were.

Lukas knew his father loved him. Wanted him to be happy.

Hadn't wanted someone like Philip to be what made him this happy.

Lukas spat on the road, trying to get the last of the pill taste out of his mouth, threw the pills back into the under seat compartment, and drove home, letting the xanax chase away the worst of the heaviness in his stomach.  
**

 


	3. Chapter 3

Her book didn't have a chapter about what to do after you’d shot a murderer right in front of your foster son. Or how to help him with the fact that the murderer had kidnapped him, killed his mother and shot his boyfriend.

 

Helen saw this as a pretty major failing on the part of the author. Even Gabe, who had been so calm and loving and unflappable seemed to be stumbling these days. 

 

But really, there was no right thing to do. 

 

There was just the feeling, that weird burn under her ribs she’d felt when Philip had gone missing, and the ache it had turned into as he’d stumbled toward her across the grass, terrified, but alive.

 

She was trying to lean on that feeling to help her when she didn't don't know what to say to Philip. 

 

Which was all the time.

 

“You and Lukas do anything special yesterday?” She asked as they pulled out on to the highway.

 

Philip didn't reply at first. Just kept staring at the trees going by.

 

“Not really,” he answered finally. “We walked out to the ponds.”

 

Helen tried to hide her relief. Philip hadn't left the house for anything but the funeral, a therapy appointment, and to visit Lukas in the hospital. He barely ate and she’d found him quietly watching TV in the middle of the night several times. 

 

“We took Popover.”

 

“I bet he liked that,” Helen said. “Explains why he was asleep all night. That's a long way for such a little dog.”

 

Philip didn't respond. Helen drvve. Highway hypnosis was setting in when Philip sat up and turned the radio on, then slumped back in the passengers seat, looking down at his hands.

 

“Helen?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“You and Gabe took me i— in…” he swallowed and started again. “What you said. To…him. By the river. That’s why you didn't want a baby.”

 

The _lack_ of horror and anger and pain that arose at those words surprised Helen. Anything that reminded her of that night usually… pulled her out of where she needed to be. It was like falling down a well.

 

Right now, in the car with Philip, the flash if memory didn't cause more than a tug, like a fishing hook in her heart on a line that had broken.

 

Helen opened her mouth to reply, but nothing came out.

 

“I’m sorry,” Philip said hurriedly. “I’m sorry. You don't ha-”

 

“No, no. It’s… it's fine.” Helen told him. “Um.  Yes. That is part if the reason. But there were a lot of reasons. We’re older and I work a lot. We didn't think we would have the energy a younger kid would need. Gabe thought a teenager would be a good fit for our family. We wanted to take in a child we could really help.”

 

“Right,” Philip said.

 

“And we liked you. We had a good feeling about you.”

 

Philip looked up at her. He looked shocked, then stared down at his hands again.

 

“And we liked your mom.”

 

The sound that came out of Philip was a strangled, shattered sort of laugh. “You did? You’re a cop.”

 

Helen shrugged. “That doesn't mean I can't like people who break the law. Gabe always speeds. We’re still married.”

 

Philip looked like he was going to reply, but set his head back against the window.

 

They were taking the exit into the city before Philip finally spoke again, his voice hoarse from holding back tears. “I wanted to tell you the truth.”

 

Helen grit her teeth tightly, to stop herself from saying any of the things she had imagined saying to Philip, or Lukas, about this. She knew from experience that young witnesses didn't always grasp the consequences of their testimony. She knew that trauma made people, especially young people, do things that didn't make sense. All the information on foster parenting had repeated that idea. Kids who have been abused, neglected, or forced to grow up too fast might not trust adults in their lives, even with something as major as a triple homicide. They would make irrational decisions because they perceived consequences differently.

 

The right thing to say was “It’s okay.” Or “You don't have to explain.”

 

She couldn't say it.

 

“I tried,” Philip said. “I tried to tell Lukas we had to tell you. But… he was… we weren't supposed to be at the cabin. And then… Bo found the bodies right away…and I saw…. I thought I saw the killer on the murder board. Dead. I thought he was dead. And I told Lukas he was dead. And I wanted…” 

 

Philip's rough voice caught. Helen reached out and set her hand on his shoulder.

 

“I didn't want to think about it and I wanted it to just go away and I only… Tommy and Lukas were the only people at school I talked to and Tommy was dead and Lukas was…”

 

“Scared?” Helen asked.

 

“And he was… I think he's the only person like me in this whole town. And I really… I wanted… I wanted to feel a little normal. For once. Have a safe house and a…a boyfriend and not be…” 

 

His voice was getting higher and rougher. He was squeezing his hands in his lap until they were bloodlessly white.

 

“I’m sorry, Helen,” Philip sobbed. “I’m really sorry, I didn't… I thought-”

 

Helen shushed him and rubbed her hand over his shoulder.

 

“Philip, Philip. It's okay. We still love you.”

 

It was the first time she’d said it to him. That burn under her ribs kicked into high gear as Philip hiccuped unto his hands, stared at her and then looked back out the window.

 

After a second, Philip reached up, squeezed her fingers for a second, and let go. 

 

It was a place to start.

 

* * *

 

 

The first thing Lukas did when his alarm went off in the morning was text Philip. 

 

_Hey. I actually take those pills twice a day. Exactly like a shrink told me too. It’s even written on the bottle. But it’s true that I take them when I start to feel weird, cause I can feel the last one wearing off and without them I’m sort off… too keyed up? All the time. Sorry if you didn’t need to know all this, but I don’t want to lie to you._

 

He sent it off. It hadn’t looked… complete so he’d followed with—

 

 _I really need to have you be someone I never lie to._  

 

It still hadn’t looked right so he added 

 

_Hope things go okay at your appointment today._

 

It still hadn’t looked right, but he got out of bed anyway, grabbing jeans off the floor, a clean tee shirt out of his dresser and a clean flannel shirt out of his closet. 

 

His dad was in the kitchen when he got downstairs, like he had been everyday since Lukas got out of the hospital, with a paper bag on the counter. 

 

“Mornin’.” 

 

“Hey.” Lukas replied. He picked up the paper bag and carefully put it into his backpack. “Thanks.”

 

“It’s uh… just peanut butter and jelly. And a couple of those little… what do you call ‘ems. The tiny oranges.”

 

“Right,” Lukas said. “Thanks.”

 

His father smiled and nodded. “Is uh… Philip coming back to school today?”

 

Lukas shook his head. “Tomorrow. He said.”

 

“Okay,” his father said. “And kids at school…”

 

“They don’t know,” Lukas said immediately. “About Philip.”

 

“That’s… not what I was going to ask.”

 

“Oh.”

 

They stared at each other across the kitchen island. 

 

“Kids at school aren’t asking you about what happened, right? No one is… stressing you out too much?”

 

Lukas shrugged. “I… I don’t really talk much at school. No one really thinks I would answer them even if they did ask. Somebody asked me if I knew that other girl who got murdered. But… I didn’t. So.”

 

“Right.”

 

“I gotta get to school.”

 

“Right,” His father repeated. “Have a good day, son.”

 

* * *

 

 

It was the first time Philip had wished that he’d gone to school. It hadn’t even been a bad appointment, or a bad drive. It was just when Helen dropped him off before heading back to the station, for a split second Philip thought about asking her to take him to school to go to his last two periods. 

 

But the split second had passed, and Philip had remembered how far behind he was in his classes. And how loud it would be. And that Lukas wouldn’t expect him until tomorrow. 

 

They’d been texting all day. Philip had told him he didn’t need to feel bad for taking medicine he’d been prescribed. Lukas had responded with a complaint about how awkward it was to be in the locker room and catch people clearly trying to get a look at the huge fucking hole in his chest. From there it had turned into playful nonsense. Lukas had sworn that he was not only going to get Philip on a dirt bike, he was going to teach him at least one jump.

 

Gabe was sitting on the porch with Popover when Philip got back, and watching the little dog go completely insane just  because he was there made Philip smile. He picked Popover up and let him lick his face. 

 

“How did it go in the city?” GaBe asked carefully. 

 

“Fine,” Philip said. “She’s… you know. Nice.”

 

Gabe gave him the look that, as best Philip had been able to interpret, basically meant ‘you don’t have to say that.’

 

“It’s okay if you don’t like her. Sometimes these things just aren’t a good fit. We can find someone else.”

 

Philip shook his head and scratched Popover’s ears. “No. It’s not that.” 

 

He tried to think of something to say to explain that he was only going because he knew Social Services wanted him to. He was going so that he could stay with Gabe and Helen, but he wasn’t ready to talk about… really anything yet.”

 

“I— Can I take him up to the barn?” Philip asked, lifting Popover up on his chest. “I’m going to try to do some homework.”

 

“Homework?” Gabe asked. 

 

“Yeah,” Philip replied. “Lukas brought me notes and stuff.”

 

“Still planning to go back to school tomorrow?”

 

“Yeah,” Philip replied. “Yeah. I think so.”

 

“That’s good. Yeah, I think Popover likes the barn almost as much as he likes you.”

 

Gave smiled at him, and Philip smiled back as he walked past. He went up to his room and grabbed the stack of books and notes that Lukas had brought him, and then carried his own bag and the dog out to the barn. He slid his headphones into his ears, flopped back against a hay bale with a sigh and opened up the biology book first. 

 

Sometimes it was best to get the hardest subjects out of the way first. 

 


	4. Chapter 4

 

The last two periods of the day had felt endless. Lukas’s chest hurt, everything around him just felt unnecessarily loud, and he’d been fighting to keep his eyes open since he’d taken his pill before lunch. He’d considered calling his father, telling him that he didn’t feel well. It definitely would have gotten him out of school, but there’s no way he would have been able to skip three periods and still been allowed to go see Philip. 

 

And he’d said he would be there tonight. Especially with Philip coming back to school tomorrow, it felt important to be there with him, even if all he did was fall asleep while Philip read.  

 

The bell finally rang. Lukas gathered up his books and notebooks, holding them carefully up on his chest the way he had been doing, protecting the gunshot wound from any stray limbs that might whack him. It make him look like a nerd, but on Monday some asshole barreling past him had accidentally elbowed him and had just barely missed it. People were already whispering about him. He didn't want to think about how much worse it could get if he collapsed in the hallway gushing blood.

 

He went to Philip’s locker first, cause Philip had texted him to ask for another couple book that he wanted to review and given him the combination. Lukas’s own locker had never felt so far away. He just needed this day to be over with. Lukas marched to his locker, switched out his books quickly, grabbed his helmet, slammed the thing shut and spun the lock.

 

Maybe he’d pick something up for Philip on his way there. The idea made him smile until he realized he’d never taken Philip anywhere and couldn't guess at what he might like. The only thing he’d ever brought Philip was a bottle of cheap whisky, and that seemed like a completely shit idea right now.

 

“Lukas!” Someone yelled behind him. “Hey! Lukas! Hold up!”

 

Micah, Lukas realized. He took a breath and turned around, adjusting his bag’s shoulder strap.

 

“Hey, man,” Micah huffed. 

 

Taylor, a few steps behind, caught up to them. “Geez, who set your pants on fire?”

 

“What?” Lukas asked. 

 

“Why are you in such a hurry?”

 

Lukas shrugged and forced a smile. “Just can’t take this friggin place any longer.”

 

“We’re going to Zack’s to play Halo. You in?”

 

Lukas hoped he looked disappointed instead of worried as he sighed and left his head fall back. “Oh, no man, I can't tonight.”

 

Micah nodded, but shot Taylor a look and turned back to Lukas. “What is going on with you?”

 

It wasn't the first time one of his friends or Rose had asked him this. Normally, there would be a burst of panic that felt like it filled up his body and blocked off his ears, so he couldn't hear anything but his own blood rushing in his ears. Then, if it was one of the guys he’d shove them. If it was Rose he’d just tell her it was nothing and kiss her until she let it go.

 

Lukas could feel that panic feeling now, but it felt far away, and it wasn't exploding like an air bag, it was more like someone slowly blowing up a ballon.

 

He felt like he could control it for the first time.

 

“Dude, everything is going on with me!” He grit out. “I got snipered out of the fucking sky.”

 

Micah lifted his hands, like he was putting up a wall for that reason to bounce off of. “Yeah. And maybe you could play some fucking Halo and talk to your friends instead of going off doing… whatever you do all the time. Cause you’ve been weird since way before the murders.”

 

Lukas gulped. He knew that. He’d been weird since Philip had walked into school. Seeing Philip walk into class, wearing that leather jacket and glancing down at the note in his hand was a very, _very_ clear moment in Lukas’s mind. He couldn't tell Taylor and Micah that though. He definitely couldn't say it to Zack. 

 

“It doesn't have to be video games,” Taylor said. “Those heavy duty shocks finally came in the mail and my whole bike needs a tune up after sitting in the garage most of the summer. We could work on it. Come on, you love working on bikes and we’ve got to get Micah off his couch and into a real sport. What else do you have to do tonight?”

 

The soft, slow balloon of panic in his gut turned to rock. He could lie. He and Dr. Marie talked a lot about defense mechanisms and overcoming ingrained responses. 

 

Normally he would just lie. That was his ingrained response. He’d tell people that his father had asked him to do some chores and would be livid if they weren’t done. Or he’d say that he’d done a chore incorrectly and his father was furious with him. 

 

He wondered, for a moment, right there in the hallway, if that’s why his father had seemed so frightening for the last few years. Lukas always fell back on telling people that his father was angry. Maybe he’d started to believe all his own exaggerations. Or screwing up on purpose to make his father angry. 

 

“Lukas? Come on, what else are you doing tonight?”

 

Lukas snapped back to the moment. 

 

God, he was so tired of lying. 

 

“I promised Philip I’d come by with his school stuff.” Lukas tucked his thumb under the strap of his bag and lifted it. “He’s going to try to come back to school tomorrow. And then I’m going to take a nap, because I feel like shit.”

 

He watched Taylor and Micah’s faces carefully, not sure what he was looking for. They hadn’t done or said anything weird when he’d told them that Philip was the one that had shot all the footage for his channel. They’d even seem to totally accept Lukas’s explanation that he’d been secretive about that fact because his father was worried that Philip was a bad influence. 

 

 _You know my dad,_ he’d said. _No one in our family has left Tivoli since like, it was settled. He doesn’t trust anyone from the city._

 

Finally, Taylor made sort of a strange face. “Cause he got shot too, right?”

 

“What?” Lukas asked. “No. He didn’t.”

 

Micah cleared his throat and tugged at the strings of his hoodie. “Cause Evan Mulligan’s sister is dating a guy in Red Hook who’s roommate is a nurse at the hospital, and Evan said Philip got shot too.”

 

“Well Evan Mulligan should shut his fucking mouth and go back to popping his zits in the locker room,” Lukas replied hotly. 

 

Micah raised his arms again. “Or… you could talk to us.”

 

“I don’t wan—“

 

“To re-live it,” Taylor supplied. “Yeah. I get that. _You know_ I get that. My brother’s been back from Afghanistan for six months and still hasn’t talked about anything but how bad the food was.You don’t have to draw us a map and a timeline. Just like… come hang out. For once. We’ve been friends since friggen kindergarten. You don’t have to… do whatever it is you’re doing right now.”

 

Lukas looked at the two of them. They _had_ been friends since kindergarten. Taylor was the first person he’d told about his mom dying. Taylor had given him his graham cracker at morning snack time and told him that his mom was in heaven with all of his old goldfish.

 

But he couldn’t tell them the truth. Not the whole truth. Not yet. 

 

“Saturday?” Lukas said. “I can come over and help with the shocks on Saturday.”

 

“Okay,” Micah said. “Cool.”

 

“And hey,” Taylor said. “Philip likes motocross, right? Bring him.”

 

Lukas mouth went completely dry. It was too much. It was way to close to the way Taylor had told Lukas to bring Rose to a party. 

 

He could tell them that Philip didn’t actually like motocross. That would be true. But it would invite questions and he just couldn’t do it. But he’d promised Philip that he could eat lunch with Lukas’s friends tomorrow. They’d invite him. 

 

God. He was so tired. He was so, so tired. 

 

He just nodded. Taylor and Micah nodded too. Micah punched Lukas in the shoulder as he walked past them, finally, mercifully heading for his bike, the hayloft, and Philip. 


	5. Chapter 5

Tony didn't want to do anything that would remind Helen that he wasn't really that far out of high school. He’d been dreaming of some one like her coming to town for years. A big city cop who’d actually _done_ all the things he’d daydreamed about doing while he was tempting cows out of the rode with apples and taking Old Man Larson back home after he’d wandered into downtown again? That was the dream.

 

And after this last case, Tony really felt like the two of them had hit a sweet spot in the spectrum between partner and mentor. Really gotten into a groove. Built up a trust. 

 

The question he found himself facing though was, if there was evidence, but wasn't pertinent to a case, and it might not even be a big deal, and you didn't want to sound like a snitch, and maybe Helen already knew, and you didn't want to seem like you had, like, _a problem_ with it, and you were only about 95 percent sure….

 

…did you tell your boss her son had sex with another guy in a motel room while they were on the run from a murderer?

 

Tony poured himself another cup of coffee. 

 

Well? Did you?

 

The hotel room had left very little to the imagination. The damp, crumpled sheets. The smell. 

 

The condom wrapper on the nightstand.

 

Helen was Tony’s Yoda. He didn't want her to ask him about it later, and think he should have told her.

 

….but if he’d been on the run after a couple weeks of terror and found himself behind a locked door, with someone he had that kind of connection with, he would have done the same thing. At sixteen years old, the murderer could have walked in the door and Tony probably wouldn't have even slowed down.

 

And with Philip and Lukas, it was different. Tony got that. He didn't really feel like he had the right to just rat them out like that. They were good kids, and they sure as hell had been through enough lately.

 

The station door creaked open. Tony dropped his coffee and cursed as the hot liquid ran over his hand. 

 

“Nerves of steel,” Helen said from the door. “Better run that under cold water.”

 

* * *

 

 

Gabe made more noise than strictly necessary on his way into the barn and up the hayloft ladder. Helen and Philip were both still jumpy and agitated. He was doing his best to be…not careful around them, but supportive.  He was the only person in the house who hadn't been subject to serious physical violence lately. He needed to be soft around them, which he knew how to do, and he needed to make the world softer for them, which he couldn't do, but wanted to be able to. 

 

He stopped just under the hole in the ceiling. “Hey, Philip?” He called. “Mind if I come up?”

 

“Sure,” Philip called back. 

 

Gabe continued up into the loft.

 

Philip was reclined back against against a hay bale. Next to him was a stack of books. There was a small length of rope in his hands and Popover was enthusiastically tugging at it, leaving a shadow of a smile on Philip's face.

 

“Can we talk for a sec?”

 

Philip looked up at him. His adam's apple bobbed. Gabe gave him a reassuring smile and sat across from him, scratching Popover’s back.

 

“Is everything okay?” Philip asked.

 

“Yeah, everything is fine, I just wanted to check in with you about school tomorrow.”

 

Philip nodded and turned his attention back to the dog.

 

“I think it's great that you’re giving this a try so soon, Philip. I just want to make sure you have everything you need.”

 

“Yeah,” Philip said. “It’s all taken care of. Lukas brought me books and Rose took some notes for me. Teachers sent me stuff. I even emailed in two papers already and Lukas is taking me in early for a makeup quiz.”

 

“That's great, son,” Gabe said. “Impressive, actually. But… not quite what I meant.”

 

Philip went still, let go of the rope and pulled Popover into his lap. “Okay?”

 

“I just want to make sure you know, that if tomorrow is… tougher than you were ready for, we’ve made some arrangements at the school to help you out.”

 

Philip kept petting the dog. 

 

“Your teachers all know that it's okay if you need to leave class. You can go to the nurse’s office if you need to take a break. If you can't make it through the whole day, that's fine. Text me or Helen, we’ll call in and come get you.”

 

Philip nodded. “Thanks.”

 

“And we left a little of the medication you were prescribed with the school nurse.”

 

Philip stopped petting Popover and looked up at Gabe, jaw hard.

 

“She has three pills,” Gabe went on. “They are under lock and key and she has to call us if you take one.”

 

“I’m not going to take them,” Philip said, his voice very tight.

 

Gabe held in a sigh. “I know. And you don't have to take any, and Helen talked to the nurse about that too. Just… as a back up. They are there. And if you’re…if you’re afraid of having them available, we just want to make sure you know— it's the same at school as it is here. All the safeguards you asked for.”

 

“I asked you not to fill the prescription, “ Philip said.

 

“Helen has taken them.”

 

“Helen’s mom isn't an addict,” Philip replied in that harsh, age and tragedy heavy voice that made Gabe’s heart ache.

 

“Wasn't,” Philip added quietly.

 

“If you go to school, and everything is fine, and you’re sure you’re ready, we’ll flush them next week.”

 

Philip nodded.

 

There was a rustle of hay and a creak of wood.

 

“Philip? You up here?”

 

“Yeah, with Gabe.” Philip called back to Lukas.

 

Gabe stood, patting Philip's shoulder as he passed. “Take it easy on yourself, okay? You’ve been through a lot.”

 

Lukas gave Gabe a tight,  awkward smile as they passed each other. Gabe patted him on the shoulder too.

 

“Staying for dinner tonight?”

 

Lukas gave him a deer-in-headlights look. “Uh. Yeah.”

 

“Good,” Gabe said, patting him again before moving toward the ladder. 

 

Life had gotten harder since he’d been seventeen.

* * *

 

It was getting too dark to study, but Philip couldn't bring himself to turn on a light. His phone was playing music softly. Popover was asleep at his feet. Lukas was also asleep. 

 

They’d taken Popover for a walk and talked about Philip’s trip into the city. Gabe and Helen trying to hard to get everything set up for him at school. They’d talked about Lukas’s classes and done a little bit of planning for what they could say to people who pushed them about all of the scandal they had been involved with. And then they’d gone in for dinner.

 

It almost wasn’t awkward anymore. Philip could see Lukas getting used to it. His shoulders didn’t creep up to his ears like they used to. His eyes didn’t stay as wide the whole time anymore. 

 

And then they’d come up here, and Lukas had kissed him a couple times, but then sunk down next to him and closed his eyes. Now he was laying with his head in Philip’s lap, snoring lightly. 

 

Philip felt almost at peace. 

 

He’d stopped churning worries about tomorrow over and over in his head. He’d stopped planning for how he would escape from his classrooms if he needed too. He’d stopped trying to work out what mile markers he could metaphorically insert into tomorrow. 

 

_It would be okay if I left at third period. It would be okay if I left at 5th period. It would be okay if I just wanted to sit in the library alone during my study hall._

 

Mostly, he wanted to make it through lunch. He wanted to talk to Lukas’s friends and have it be okay. He wanted to show Lukas that everything could be okay. He wanted something to go right. He wanted something to be easy.

 

The soft warm weight in his lap lifted, followed by the sound of boots scrapping across old wood.

 

“Hey, sleepy head,” Philip said softly.

 

“What time is it?” Lukas asked with a yawn. 

 

“It's 8:30.”

 

“Oh,” Lukas settled back against Philip. “Sorry.”

 

Philip laughed. “Helen’s cooking can sneak up on you.”

 

“No kidding,” Lukas yawned again, then looked up at Philip with a dumb sort of smile.

 

Philip wanted so badly to let the simplicity and happiness of this moment keep going. 

 

Lukas smiled wider and snaked one arm underneath Philip’s knees, tickling gently at the underside of where his knee bent before wrapping his fingers around Philip’s ankle.

 

But that touch finally pushed him over. 

 

“Are you sure about tomorrow?” Philip asked quietly.

 

“Yeah,” Lukas said, with another yawn. “I can be here at 7:45. No problem.”

 

“I meant lunch. With your friends. Is it really okay if I hang out with your friends?”

 

“Of course,” Lukas replied immediately.

 

“Last time you said that you called the FBI,” Philip pointed out, less than gently. “Like, immediately after you said it.”

 

Lukas sighed and gripped his ankle tighter. “They know I’m with you right now.”

 

“What?” Philip replied, honestly shocked. 

 

“Taylor and Micah invited me over to Zack’s to play Halo. And I told them I promised you I’d come here.”

 

“Oh,” Philip said. “I’m… I’m sorry.”

 

Lukas shook his head. His fingers wormed his way under the hem of Philip’s jeans. “No. It’s okay. I…” he shifted back and forth before finally heaving a sigh. “I want to…” He sighed again. “I didn’t want to be like this. And I tried so fucking hard not to notice you when you came to school. And even…” Lukas shook his head, and some how managed to dig himself in even closer to Philip, running his fingers along the underside of Philip’s calf.

 

Philip set his hand in Lukas’s hair. 

 

“I asked you to come shoot footage at my Dad’s cabin hoping something would happen.”

 

Philip gently tugged at Lukas’s hair. “I figured that out. That’s why I tried to kiss you.”

 

“I tried to kiss you first,” Lukas whispered. 

 

Philip tugged his hair again. “I noticed,” he huffed. “That’s why I tried to kiss you.”

 

Lukas laughed, but his face went serious again. “I don’t know what I thought I was gonna happen. But I’m… so much farther, already, than I ever thought I was gonna get. You know?”

 

“Yeah,” Philip said. “I know.”

 

“I didn’t think I’d ever want people to know, about me,” Lukas said slowly. “Like, I couldn’t even think about it. But now… I want people to know. I _want_ people to know about _you_. I just can’t do it yet. Like… I can’t… I can’t imagine telling people… but I can think about like… people out in the future knowing. I couldn’t do that before.”

 

Philip set his other hand to Lukas’s stomach. “I know. I get it. It’s okay. Really.” 

 

Lukas went quiet. Philip let his hand wander over his stomach, up to his chest, giving the bullet wound a wide berth. Lukas’s fingers sneaked further up the leg of Philip’s jeans. 

 

They kept going, each staring off into the distance, touching each other just a little more with every movement of their hands. 

 

Philip felt like he should say something else. Something about _this_. Something about how Lukas touched him. Tangled their fingers, tapped their knees together. Pulled Philip close. Ran his nose along Philip’s hair line. Even when Lukas hadn’t been gentle with Philip, even when he’d been angry and frightened, he still hadn’t ever been able to stop touching him.

 

Philip told himself that he should stop running his thumb along the length of Lukas’s breast bone and ask how they were supposed to act around each other at school. He knew he was perfectly capable of standing an arm’s length away and pretending that he and Lukas had just been casual acquaintances that happened to get sucked into some band of brothers type shit together, but he wasn’t sure Lukas was. And he didn’t want to… go back. He didn’t want to sit with Lukas’s friends and have them get suspicious when Lukas talked to him too gently or sat too close to him or touched him in some way that scared small town boys weren’t supposed to touch each other, and then have Lukas freak out and blame him.

 

Philip let his hand move all the way up to Lukas’s neck. Lukas’s hand slipped between his legs. 

 

Not tonight, Philip decided. Or at least not this very second. He’d felt so muted and grey and slow since Helen had told him about his Mom. He’d finally started to feel better today. 

 

Today he deserved to touch. 

 

Lukas’s hand swept up and down his thigh. Philip pulled Lukas’s hair a little harder and brought his fingertips just underneath the waistband of Lukas’s jeans. He looked down at Lukas, waiting for permission, then watched as Lukas turned his head, and kissed Philip’s fly.

 

The air in Philip’s lungs escaped, diving out of his mouth like rats off a sinking ship. 

 

Lukas glanced up at him, just a quick double check to make sure he hadn’t gone too far, and then he did it again, pressing his lips a little harder against Philip’s body.

 

Philip watched in astonishment as Lukas’s hand came up, undid the top button of Philip’s jeans and took hold of the tab on his zipper. 

 

“Philip?” Lukas whispered. “Is this okay?”

 

“Yes,” Philip managed. “Yes. It is.”

 

Lukas pulled the zipper down. 

 

They didn’t stay like that for long. Lukas teased for a while, but the way there were sitting made it practically impossible to actually give or receive a blow job. At least when you had no practice.

 

After some award fumbling to their feet, and a breathless discussion about what to do if Popover woke up, they climbed up higher into the hay loft, back into a nook between two stacks of hay bales, where they were hidden from view of anyone climbing the ladder, and too high up for Popover to come investigating. 

 

“Yeah, here,” Philip panted, and before he’d even finished the sentence, Lukas had pushed him backward onto a bale, and fallen between Philip’s splayed knees.

 

This felt more clumsy and eager than sex in the motel had. The desperation and sadness of that afternoon was gone. This was hot and messy and a little ridiculous. Philip just kept trying to touch Lukas, running his hands over Lukas’s shoulders and arms. He smoothed his palms over Lukas’s cheeks, and combed his fingers through Lukas’s hair.  

 

Lukas kept stopping and starting again, turning his head, moving his hands, trying to find some other way of doing what he was doing until Philip finally set his palm to the back of Lukas’s neck and sighed “Yes, just like that.”

 

Lukas made an _insane_ noise in response to that, and it only took Philip a few more minutes under Lukas’s intense concentration before he felt the modicum of control he’d still been able to cling onto leave him. 

 

Lukas pulled back, panting. His hands slid up to Philip’s waist and tightened around his hips like Lukas thought, without that anchor, he might tumble down the stack of hay, all the way down to the barn floor. 

 

“Sorry,” Philip gasped. “Sorry, I’m sorry, I meant to say so-“

 

He was cut off by Lukas kissing him, deep and dirty, almost aggressively shoving his tongue into Philip’s slack mouth. 

 

“Don’t be,” Lukas whispered. He wiped the back of his hand across his own chin, and the heel of his hand over Philip’s, then wiped it off on the inside of his shirt. 

 

Philip let his head drop back on the hay bale, his body slowly informing him that pieces of straw were sticking into parts of his body that straw shouldn’t stick into, and that his legs were shaking much too badly for him to attempt to stand right now. 

 

Lukas set his forehead to Philip’s thigh, and laughed. 

 

“Do you want me to—” Philip asked, walking  himself up onto his elbows and forward. 

 

“Umm,” Lukas breathed. “I actually…”

 

He leaned back, gesturing down at himself. At some point, with his mouth still on Philip, Lukas had managed to get his belt off and his pants and underwear down. 

 

“Fuck,” Philip managed. “Why is that so hot?”

 

Lukas laughed again. Philip dropped forward to kiss him. 

 

“Next time,” he promised against Lukas’s lips. “You first.”

 

“Deal.”

 

They pulled their clothes back on and wobbled their way back to their usual spot, where Lukas grabbed his phone. 

 

“What are you doing?” Philip asked. 

 

“Setting alarms,” Lukas showed him. “One to make sure I come get you on time tomorrow.” He tapped his phone a couple more times. “And one in case I fall asleep on you again. I told my dad I’d be home by 10.”

 

Philip nodded, and kissed Lukas through the first smile that hadn’t faded out on him in weeks. 

 

“Tell me about your friends,” Philip whispered as Lukas pulled Philip into his arms. 

 


	6. Chapter 6

The worst part is that it  had been going so well. 

 

Lukas had spent the first half the of the day staring at the clock, watching it tick down to lunchtime with the squeezing sensation around his stomach— the ghost of Philip’s sturdy grip on the way here this morning— getting tighter and tighter. He couldn’t stop imagining all the ways in which everything could crash down around him if Philip, Micah, Zack, and Taylor talked to each other over shitty cafeteria food for fifty minutes.

 

What if he blanked out and touched Philip wrong? The way he did when they were alone? What if his voice sounded weird when he talked to Philip and he’d never noticed, but the guys did? What if Rose had told everyone after all? After the stunt he’d pulled with having Philip post that video on his channel, Lukas knew he more than deserved that. And it would only take a text, maybe two, for everyone in the school to know. Lukas remembered in eighth grade when Samantha Redding had given Jonas Claring a blow job. He’d told one person on the soccer team and everyone had known about it by the end of the week. She’d ended up switching schools.

 

 What if his friends could just tell? What if he hadn’t been as careful or as vigilant as he’d thought he was being, and they took one look at the he and Philip together and they all just _knew_?

 

He’d had all those worries running through his head like radio static all day. Getting louder through every class, through finding Philip outside the cafeteria and nearly drowning out Philip quietly talking to him as they got their food. 

 

 _But it had been okay_. Philip sat down. Zach gave him a look, a weird, challenging sort of look, and Taylor had said. “So, you’re into motocross too?”

 

Philip had looked at his turkey in a cloud for just long enough that Lukas could tell Philip was forcing himself not to look up at Lukas, and then answered. “No. Not really. I’m into photography. Dirt bikes are kind of just something to take pictures of. But I’m learning more about motocross. It’s interesting. Do you ride?”

 

And then it had just _worked_. Taylor’s girlfriend Lindsey showed up. They all talked about their classes. They talked about motocross. They asked if Philip played Halo. And then explained it to him, because Philip didn’t play video games.

 

Everything had been fine. Everything had been fine beyond Lukas’s wildest dreams. 

 

And then the gunshot. 

 

The noise went from Lukas’s ears directly into his limbs. Lukas dropped his spoon into his mashed potatoes as he dived to the side, splattering them everywhere while he grabbed Philip and shoved him down against the bench they were sitting on. Scrabbling to get down onto the ground, Philip elbowed Lukas right in his existing gunshot wound, and Lukas was loudly cursing when he looked up, and realized what had happened. 

 

A trayful of turkey in a cloud was splashed across the dirty cafeteria linoleum and over someones’ shoes. Green beans were laying all around a cracked plastic tray like blood splatter. 

 

He’d been trying to save Philip from someone dropping a tray. 

 

No gunshot. 

 

Lukas stopped. He let go of Philip and sat up with a whispered, “It’s okay,” and looked at his friends. 

 

The buzzing in his ears was back, and over it, he could hear laughter. Someone telling everyone to fuck off. That airbag feeling in his chest was happening again. But it wasn’t that bad. Philip was sitting back up, and Lukas could  already feel it deflating. He took a breath. He was was regaining control of that tight panic feeling. He was pushing it away. 

 

Zack looked at Lukas like he was an idiot. One eyebrow raised, and his eyes scrunched up small. Micah was staring down into his own potatoes, with his shoulders hunched up a little. He didn’t look at Lukas, but he grabbed his napkin and started wiping up the flecks of mashed potato that Lukas had sent flying everywhere. Lindsey looked similarly uncomfortable.

 

Taylor looked sad for a moment, and then his face went glassy. “It’s okay. It’s just a tray. No big deal. Just…. Take a breath.”

 

Lukas nodded, and did just that. 

 

Taylor nodded back with a tight smile. Lukas could see his adam’s apple bob. Lindsey tucked her hand into the the crook of Taylor’s elbow.

 

“Philip? You alright?” Taylor asked. 

 

Lukas turned to look at him, and could tell in a second that he wasn’t. His jaw was clenched tight enough to crack teeth and he was completely white. Dead white. 

 

Philip shook his head, and gripped the edge of the table tightly. 

 

Lukas knotted his fingers into his own jeans and stared. He couldn’t touch him. Not here. 

 

“Can’t breathe,” Philip gasped. 

 

Lukas’s fingers knotted themselves more tightly into the denim. No, no, no! Everything had been going so well! And now he was going to have to sit here, and watch Philip like this, and not be able to do or say anything. 

 

“It’s okay,” Taylor said, digging something out of his pocket. “Everything’s fine. This happens to my brother. It’s just a panic attack. It’s going to go away. You’re going to be fine.”

 

Philip shook his head. “Can’t breathe.” He repeated. 

 

Taylor tapped his phone a few times and held it in front of Philip. “Yes, you can. See the shape moving? Try to breathe with it. Breathe in when it gets bigger, breathe out when it gets smaller. You don’t have to do it right the first few times.”

 

Philip’s hand jerked out toward Lukas, but stopped and slammed back down onto the table. 

 

He’d reached out for Lukas and stopped himself. 

 

Lukas hoped the Earth would just open up and let him fall into hell. He deserved it. 

 

He didn’t deserve Philip. 

 

Lindsey reached across the table and set her hand over Philip’s. For a split second, Lukas hated her for it. She did it like it was nothing. She did it easily, without a thought or a second’s hesitation.  Lindsey slid her thumb across Philip’s knuckles and whispered “It’s okay,” and she looked like a fucking angel when she did it with her white blonde hair and bright pink lips and white sweater. She looked like she had fallen out of heaven to do this for Philip because Lukas couldn’t and Lukas suddenly loved her for it just a little more than he hated himself for not just doing the same thing, because Philip wasn’t okay, and that’s what should have been important to him.

 

Philip let go of the table and squeezed Lindsey’s hand instead. He stared at Taylor’s phone, still gasping for breath. 

 

“I can take you to the nurse’s office,” Lukas told Philip quietly. 

 

Philip shook his head again. “Everyone’s… staring.”

 

“No,” Taylor said, in the same, completely in control voice he’d been using this whole time. “They’re still watching the kid who dropped the tray. Give it a minute, keep breathing, once that guy sits down everyone will go back to what they were doing. No one will notice you guys slip out. No one’s paying attention. You just look like I’m showing you a video on my phone.”

 

Lukas looked back up across the table. Zack was now glancing in the other direction, like he didn’t want to be associated with all of this. The tips of Micah’s ears had turned bright red and he was pushing green beans around on his plate, like he didn’t think it was okay for him to be watching what was happening next to them. 

 

Taylor looked completely calm, like this was as much second nature to him as tying his shoes was. But when Lukas looked at him just a little longer, he could see that Taylor’s eyes had one watery and red. He blinked and a tear ran down his cheek. He wiped it away with the back of his hand, never taking his eyes off Philip. 

 

Lindsey’s other arm snuck around Taylor’s shoulders. 

 

“There you go,” Lindsey said to Philip. “You’re better already, I can hear it. Can you feel the air in your lungs?”

 

Philip shook his head again, but not as hard as last time. He was still so white. 

 

“This is a good time to leave,” Taylor told Philip, glancing at Lukas quickly. “No one is going to pay attention to you. Being in the nurse’s office will help. It’ll be easier somewhere quieter. I’ll text Lukas this website.”

 

“Thanks,” Philip managed. Lukas stood up, trying look as normal as possible.

 

Philip stared at Taylor’s phone for a little while longer. As soon as he glanced away, Taylor turned it back to himself and started tapping at it again. “Lukas,” Philip grit out. “She’s gonna make me take them.”

 

For a second, this was nonsense, until Lukas realized what it meant. “No, I’m not gonna let her. Come on.”

 

Philip worked his way to his feet, and the two of them left the cafeteria. 

 

“I’m sorry,” Philip told him as they moved into the empty hallway. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

 

“Shh. Don’t be. It’s not your fault. It’s fine.” Lukas felt his phone buzz in his pocket. “Come on, we can take the elevator.”

 

He sighed in relief when the doors closed behind them. Philip pressed his hands to the sides of his head. Lukas pulled his phone out of his pocket and opened the link. “You want this back?”

 

Philip shook his head. 

 

Thankfully, the nurse seemed totally prepared to see them. She didn’t ask questions, or ask Lukas what he thought he was doing, she just ushered them through her office, into the little waiting room area past it, and told them she was at her desk if they needed her. 

 

Lukas had been in here twice. Once when he’d twisted his ankle in gym, and once when he’d taken a soccer ball so hard in the face that his nose wouldn’t stop bleeding. It was a small room, with a couple of old cots in it, covered in cracked green vinyl. Philip dropped onto the nearest cot and pressed his face into his hands again, still shaking but not gasping nearly as loudly, or as often. 

 

Lukas sat down next to him, wishing there was something he could do. The room was dim and empty. There was an ugly shower curtain that could be pulled around the cot for a little bit of privacy, and a sink. There was a massive jar of tongue depressors, another jar of cotton balls, an open box of bandaids, and a roll of paper towels. 

 

Something occurred to Lukas.  He squeezed Philip’s knee. 

 

“Just a second.”

 

Philip didn’t react as Lukas stood up and went to the sink. He turned it on, and ripped a few paper towels off the roll, balling them up and cramming then down against the drain until the sink slowly started to fill, and the falling water tinkled audibly against the surface. 

 

He went back to the cot, pulled the curtain around it, sat down, and wrapped  his arm around Philip. Philip turned into him, but stopped himself again. Lukas turned, meeting Philip in between, and letting Philip set his forehead to Lukas’s shoulder. 

 

“Better?” Lukas asked. 

 

“A little,” Philip replied. 

 

They sat like that, Lukas running his fingers up and down Philip’s spine until Philip’s breathing finally evened out, and the sink started to sound a little too full. He was listening to both, staying vigilant, but he couldn’t stop thinking about Taylor. 

 

He used to ask Taylor how his brother was doing. Taylor used to tell him about the letters he sent home, and tell him all about skyping with him when he was able. But Lukas had been so involved in his own stuff lately. Probably ever since he started pretending to want Rose. He had no idea how Taylor had turned into this… adult. Or why it made him so sad. 

 

So… he was a bad son, a bad friend, a bad boyfriend to Rose, and a bad… something to Philip. 

 

Plus he let a bunch of people get murdered. 

 

Awesome. 

 

“You should turn that off,” Philip finally whispered. 

 

“Yeah.”

 

With a sigh, Lukas got up and dealt with the sink. When he ducked back behind the curtain, Philip was lying down, head on the flat, plastic wrapped pillow on the far edge of the cot. Lukas cupped Philip’s shoulder, encouraging him to sit up, then pushed the pillow off the edge of the cot and sat down. 

 

“We’re at school,” Philip whispered. 

 

“We’re alone,” Lukas replied. “Do you want the pillow back?”

 

Philip didn’t reply, but set his head to Lukas’s thigh. 

 

“You came up here with me,” Philip said. 

 

“Yeah,” Lukas said, letting himself smooth his hand over Philip’s hair. “That’s why I’m here now.”

 

“Everyone saw you. I’m sorry.”

 

Lukas sighed and dug his fingers down to Philip’s scalp. “I wanted to be cool for you. For once.”

 

“Thank you,” Philip said. 

 

“Why are you thanking me? I wasn’t. I wasn’t cool at all.”

 

“You tried to save me.”

 

“From a lunch tray,” Lukas huffed. 

 

Philip didn’t answer. He just sunk down further against Lukas’s thigh. 

 

“You going to 6th period?” Lukas asked. 

 

“I should,” Philip answered eventually. “It’s not going to make anything easier to skip it.”

 

“Okay.”

 

Philip sighed. “No. I feel like shit and I’m sweaty and exhausted. I’m gonna call Gabe.”

 

“I’ll take you home,” Lukas said. 

 

“Is your dad going to call in to let you take me home?”

 

“I’m bailing for the day too,” Lukas said. “This… sucked. I’m tired.” 

 

“Yeah,” Philip sighed. 

 

“We’ll ask Miss Hart for a pass back to six hour and we’ll just ditch. If I call my dad when I’m already gone he’ll call me in just so I’m not getting in trouble with the school.”

 

“Is he going to be angry?” Philip asked. 

 

“Probably.”

 

“Lukas, don’t—“

 

“No. You’re more important. I… I’m the asshole who couldn’t even touch you in front of people. I had to let Taylor and Lindsey help you.”

 

“Taylor knew what he was doing,” Philip pointed out. “Lindsey’s a girl. Girls can touch people without it being weird.”

 

“Yeah. I know,” Lukas huffed. “I just… I hate this. I really do.“

 

“I get it,” Philip whispered. 

 

Lukas dropped his head back against the wall. “Okay. Okay. I’ll go ask the Nurse for hall passes.”

 


	7. Chapter 7

Being in someone else's kitchen was weird. Lukas felt bad about going through Helen and Gabe’s cupboards and drawers, like he might uncover something they didn't want him to see if he opened the wrong door. As though their kitchen might be full of secrets.

 

Plus, Popover kept standing exactly where Lukas was trying to go, and Lukas couldn’t stand the thought of accidentally stepping on the little guy’s tail. Or worse, head. 

 

Philip had gone directly to his room, after offering Lukas whatever he wanted from the fridge. After some initial hesitation, Lukas had dug out last night’s leftovers and microwaved them while he hunted down the forks.

 

His phone buzzed in his pocket. 

 

He braced himself for the message as he pulled it out. On their way down to his bike, Lukas had texted his father that he was taking Philip home and they weren’t going back to school. They’d already been driving away by the time Lukas realized that he’d really only sent enough information to piss his father off. 

 

And it had still taken him about half an hour to text. 

 

His phone buzzed again in his hand and he opened his messages. 

 

_Okay. I’ll call you in. But just this once. Next time you let Gabe or Helen get him._

 

The following message read:

 

_Do you want to make an appointment with your doctor?_

 

The microwave beeped. Lukas grabbed the dish towel looped through the handle of the refrigerator and used it as a hot pad, then grabbed the two forks and carried everything up to Philip's room, with Popover determinedly following him, even though his tiny legs were no match for the steep stairs.

 

Philip's jeans were in a heap on the floor and he was already under the covers.

 

“Philip?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“You want any of this?”

 

“Maybe when I wake up.”

 

“You want me to leave?”

 

“No.”

 

Lukas set the Tupperware on Philip's nightstand and eased himself on top of the covers.

 

Philip turned around, throwing an arm over Lukas’s legs. Popover ran around the edge of the bed until, with a heavy sigh, Philip threw the covers back, got out of bed, and carried Popover back with him.

 

“Is your dad pissed?” Philip asked, returning to his previous position.

 

Lukas shrugged and took a big bite of Helen’s weirdly gummy mashed potatoes. “I can't tell.”

 

He showed Philip the texts.

 

“I don't think…” Lukas started. “I don't think he really knows what to do with me, right now.”

 

Philip didn't answer, just started playing with the loose fabric around Lukas’s knees. Popover, who had been crossing the covers, sniffing as he went, seemed satisfied with whatever he had found. He came to sit on the far side of Philip.

 

“It kind of makes me feel like an alien,” Lukas heard himself say, surprised at the way the undefinable feeling he'd been having had suddenly crystallized into words so easily. “Like, he's trying to do all the right things, but he's so weird about them. He makes me lunch everyday. He offers to take me to school. He asks me if I went out riding. If I need help building my jumps. He even asks me about you. He just gets… like freaked out when I try to answer.”

 

His phone buzzed again. 

 

“Guess he needs an answer, huh?” 

 

Lukas sighed and pulled his messages back up. 

 

“No, it's from Taylor.”

 

 _Hey man, Lindsey said Philip never showed up to 6th hour. And you aren't here in Chem. Everything okay_?

 

“He wants to know if we’re okay.”

 

“That's nice,” Philip yawned.

 

Lukas stared at his phone. Another wave of realization that he was a shitty friend hit him. And then a familiar, if muted wave of fear. 

 

What was he supposed to say? Lying wasn't going to make him a less shitty friend. 

 

So he didn't. 

 

 _Philip felt like shit. Took him home. Eating at his place_. 

 

 _Okay_ , Taylor texted back. _Rose said she saw you with a hall pass. Did you skip class and then go to the *sheriff’s* house?_

 

 _I guess_ , Lukas texted back. _My dad called me in._

 

_Okay. Well. Hope Philip feels better._

 

_Thanks._

 

Lukas looked down at his phone, thumb hovering over the keys. 

 

_And thanks for helping him today. I didn't know what the fuck to do._

 

_Yeah man, don't worry about it._

 

Lukas looked down at Philip, suddenly feeling like he was being super rude. 

 

He’d fallen asleep.

 

He looked at Popover. The little dog’s tongue lolled out of his mouth, like it was totally blissful to be sitting here quietly with him and Philip. He got up on his paws, moved closer to Philip, and set his face into the crook between Philip's neck and shoulder.

 

Lukas scratched his ears. “Good boy.”

 

***

 

Philip woke up slowly. Everything was warm and light and fuzzy around the edges. It felt like when his mom used to make him hot cocoa on cold days.

 

He was just awake enough for that thought to make him sad, and it was just warm enough in his bed to make him fall into a semi waking state. 

 

Lukas was with him. He could smell the detergent on his clothes and his sharp scented deodorant. He was the reason it was so warm. Philip shifted a little. He could feel Lukas’s long arms around him. The hair on Lukas's bare legs tickled against his own.

 

It was a nice feeling. The opposite of what had happened to him at school. The coldness of that thought crept in, and Philip pushed it away. Retreating into Lukas’s warmth. Pressing himself back against Lukas’s body.

 

Oh.

 

Lukas made a soft noise, and Philip pressed back again, wondering if Lukas could be _that_ hard when he was asleep. 

 

Lukas’s arm tightened around him.

 

The last tendrils of sleep pulled away.

 

Philip wrapped his hand around Lukas’s wrist and Lukas pressed his hips forward, grinding against Philip, kissing his neck. 

 

Tight nervousness twisted in Philip’s belly alongside desire. That afternoon in the motel had been so crazy. So removed from reality. After something like that, it was intimidating to do it here. In the bed he usually slept in. In the house where he lived. 

 

If they did it here… it was going to be something that they did. They might do it and then take Popover for a walk. Or get dressed and go do homework on the porch. They could take the bike into town and get a Coke on the main street like it was a fucking Rockwell painting. 

 

That idea, that desire to make this just… normal. Consistent. Typical. Reliable.

 

It felt like so much. Especially when Philip had just freaked out in front of all of Lukas’s friends. Especially when Lukas’s father actually knew where Lukas was and who he was with was for the first time. 

 

Plus, it had _hurt_ last time. And Philip hadn't told Lukas how much. The teeny bit of lubricant on the condom hadn't been enough, but that hadn't seemed as important in the hotel as it seemed now. 

 

“You awake?” Lukas whispered warmly.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Do you want to?”

 

“I don't have anything,” Philip said. “The condom in my wallet was the only—“

 

“I do,” Lukas said. “Under my bike seat. I can go get it.”

 

“Okay,” Philip said. “What time is it?”

 

“Just before three. We have plenty of time.” Lukas hummed happily and kissed Philip’s neck before scooting out of bed and stepping back into his jeans. Philip sat up and forced a smile watching as Lukas left. 

 

This was a good idea. He should let Lukas go get a condom. Just in case. 

 

Philip climbed out of bed, picked up Popover and carried him down the hall to Helen and Gabe’s room. The dog was unlikely to wander back from there and it couldn't hurt to make sure that Helen and Gabe were definitely gone. 

 

He heard Lukas running back up the stairs. 

 

What a dork.

 

Back in his room, Lukas dropped a small box and a smaller tube onto Philip's bed and started stripping immediately. Philip slid a condom out of the box and picked up the tube.

 

“You bought lube.”

 

A hot pink blush waved across Lukas’s pale skin. He stood there, naked and sheepish.

 

“I… watched a video.”

 

“A video?” Philip asked before he realized what Lukas was trying to say. “Oh.”

 

Lukas blushed harder. “Yeah. And I… tried something. And it hurt. And… I figured out that I hurt you. You know, the first time. I don't want to hurt you during this.”

 

Lukas tossed the stuff he'd bought toward the farther side of the bed, caught Philip’s face in his hands and kissed him. “I’m sorry I hurt you.”

 

Philip nodded and kissed him. “It's okay. I mean, I didn’t say anything and it’s not like I wanted you to stop.”

 

“Not just in the motel,” Lukas said. “I don’t want to hurt you. I hate hurting you.”

 

Philip had heard that so many times. From his mom and her boyfriends. From teachers and neighbors who had called CPS. From social workers. 

 

“I’m going to do better,” Lukas whispered, kissing his forehead. 

 

It was so weird to believe it again. He wrapped his arms around Lukas’s bare waist and pulled him closer. 

 

“I want to go slower this time,” Philip said.

 

“Yeah, of course.”

 

“I don’t want to start right away.”

 

“Okay.”

 

“I want to do it like before, with me on top.”

 

“Anything you want.”

 

Philip dropped back on the bed, and Lukas followed.

 

***

 

_Do you want to make an appointment with your doctor?_

 

 _Yeah, I think that would be good_ , Lukas had texted back.

 

So Bo had stepped out of his meeting, called Lukas’s shrink, and made Lukas an appointment. 

 

He’d hung up, taken a gulp of the stingingly bitter black coffee the receptionist had brought him, and stared down at his phone the way he had after making Lukas’s last couple of appointments, arguing with himself over whether or not he should make one too.

 

He had no fucking clue what to do. 

 

Sally had been pregnant months after she and Bo had gotten married. She’d been thrilled. Sally had always wanted kids. Two boys and a girl. She even had names picked out. Lukas and Greta. She was going to let Bo name the other boy.

 

After Lukas was born, Sally had been pregnant a couple more times. But never long enough that they were able to tell anyone about it. The first loss Sally had taken in stride. It was sad, but it happened. And it had only been a few weeks. But after that had been nine weeks.

 

Bo remembered that second miscarriage well. Sally had been so devastated. She stayed in bed for a couple of days. Lukas had brought her breakfast in bed. Toast. That he carried up to her, pinched between his fingers, because it was all he knew how to make and he couldn’t reach the plates. 

 

Bo had been left to take care of Lukas. Make sure he didn’t find out that his mother was sad instead of just sick. Bo had ended up taking Lukas, Taylor, and one other little friend, a kid who had moved away with his family some years back, to a MacDonalds closer to the city. A huge one with a playground that looked like a hamster cage. He’d let them run around until they were so tired they were asleep before he even left the parking lot. 

 

The third miscarriage is what had finally brought Sally to the doctor who had found the cancer that killed her, just months later.

 

Bo wasn't cut out to be a father.

 

At least not a father alone. 

 

Sally and three kids. That's what he’d thought his life would be. He’d been able to see it so clearly. He’d take the boys hunting and teach them how to drive. One of them would take over the farm. The other would maybe go to vo-tech. Maybe even college. And Sally would be the one they talked to about… other stuff. She’d kiss cuts and scrapes and tuck them in at night and tell them not to worry about monsters they were imagining under their beds. 

 

There was just no aspect of being motherly that Bo could do. More than once he’d thanked God that the one child he and Sally had had was Lukas, and not the imaginary Greta. No little girl deserved a father like Bo.

 

Even with Lukas…. he’d alway been a soft, strange kid. Bo had tried to understand him. Tried to give him room. Tried to be a father he could go to with the things Bo had always imagined a kid going to their mother for…

 

…and utterly, utterly failed. 

 

Talking to Lukas over the last few years was like talking to a cat with its back arched. He always looked ready to bolt. Too scared to take in any thing Bo was saying. Constantly guilty. Terrified.

 

With this… thing out in the open, Bo had hoped that they could make things better. Be something more like a family. Talk to each other. Find a common ground again. 

 

But the slowness of it was crushing him. _He had no idea who Lukas was._ And he had to confront that every time Lukas walked into his house. It was like meeting a stranger every time they sat down to eat dinner. 

 

Bo brought the shrink’s contact back up. Thought about calling. Thought about asking her what to do about the fact that Lukas jumped when he walked into a room. About the fact that he couldn't bear to think that Lukas was alone with Philip right now, and he had to worry so much about what the two of them could be getting up to.

 

He almost called.

 

He called Gabe instead.

 

***

 

Helen got home early. 

 

She’d bought Philip more Polaroid film and it had finally been delivered to the station today. She walked into the kitchen, passing the box from hand to hand. 

 

It was a pretty shitty sorry-you-had-a-trauma-induced-panic-attack-in-front-of-the-whole-school present. Especially because there had been this line with Philip ever since she’d told him about his mother. 

 

He didn’t want a mother right now. She could be his foster mother. She could be a friend. She could be both of those things so hard. But if she set a toe over that meandering, invisible line, Philip closed up. 

 

Today, she had already decided on the drive home, she was going to lean more toward friend. What had happened to Philip today was something they had in common. It was an experience that made you feel young and stupid and helpless, and she understood that. 

 

So the film could wait another day. 

 

As she came to this conclusion, she realized how quiet the house was. She’d texted Philip asking if he had wanted her or Gabe to bring him anything. He’d been adamant that he was just going to sleep for a while and didn’t need any special attention and not to worry about him. 

 

As though, after everything, it was even possible not to be worried about him, all the time. 

 

A prickle started down Helen’s neck. The boys were here. There had been tracks from Lukas’s bike leading to the barn. She pushed it away. She was having her own problems with what happened. Trying to investigate nothing wasn’t going to help. The boys had probably just taken Popover for a walk. It seemed to be the only thing that got Philip out of the house, and Lukas clearly knew it. 

 

Helen sighed, and took the film up to her room, to tuck it away for some other day. 

 

They were leaning too heavily on Lukas to help Philip. Young love was complicated enough without the endless extra layers of complication that Lukas and Philip had to deal with. 

 

She thought she noticed her feet sounding strange on the steps. Almost as though the wood was creaking differently than usual. 

 

“Keep it together, Sheriff,” she huffed. “Everything worked out okay for you.”

 

She undid her heavy belt as she walked down the hallway, circling her shoulders to work the tension out of her back. Inside her bedroom door, she kicked her boots off in her room and sighed. 

 

Her sigh was met with a soft little yap. 

 

“Popover?” she asked.

 

The little dog trotted out from behind her bed. She looked at him, nonplussed, as she tucked the box of film into her nightstand. “Where’s Philip?”

 

Popover skittered over to her, putting his front feet to her calves and letting her pet him. 

 

“The boys must be out in the barn,” she told the little dog, who looked up at her with wet, stupid eyes. “Did they leave you behind, buddy?”

 

That prickle on her neck was back. Popover followed Philip everywhere, and Philip let him. He carried up into the hayloft, he let the dog sit on his stomach while he watched TV. Philip had eaten a couple meals on the porch one handed, letting the dog try to tug a toy out of his other hand. 

 

Something wasn’t adding up. 

 

“Where’s Philip?” she asked the little dog, trying to feel the shape of the instinct inside her. It didn’t feel… bad. She didn’t feel like something terrible was happening, she just felt like she was missing something. “Where did he go, buddy?”

 

Popover didn’t seem to have any ideas. Helen put her belt and boots back on, just in case, and walked back down the hallway, telling herself that she was being ridiculous, but listening hard just the same. 

 

Creaking. The creaking was wrong on this floor too. 

 

Popover passed her in the hallway. He walked to Philip’s door and stared at it, longingly. She followed him. Philip fed the poor little guy every day. Maybe he was hungry. 

 

Popover whined at the door, and as Helen bent to pick him up, she heard it. 

 

A loud groan. 

 

Muffled words in response. 

 

Her hand strayed toward her gun. 

 

“Oh! Yes! Lukas!”

 

The words came clearly through the door. 

 

_Oh._

 

Creak. Creak. Creak.

 

_Ooooohhhhh._

 

Helen stared at the door for a moment. 

 

She went back to work. 


	8. Chapter 8

 

“That was amazing,” Philip sighed, dropping down next to Lukas.

 

Lukas laughed, kissed him quickly, then kicked and grabbed at Philip’s sheets until he got both of them covered up. 

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Yeah,” Philip confirmed, turning to rest his head on Lukas’s shoulder.

 

“And you’re… like, okay?”

 

Philip kissed Lukas’s bare shoulder. “Yeah. Totally. I mean a little sore but it’s not a big deal.”

 

Lukas kissed his forehead with a sigh. “Okay. Cool.”

 

They lay together in the warm, sweaty quiet. Philip watched the way his fingers looked against Lukas’s painfully white skin as he skated them over Lukas’s ribs.

 

It was weird. Philip _wanted_ this so badly.

 

It was happening. Now. Here. He had it. Lukas was here, kissing his forehead. Lukas had been gentle with him and they’d laughed and talked to each other and kissed while they did it. In a real bed. A big, new queen sized bed, with foam and springs and shit, instead of the air mattress Philip had slept on back at home. 

 

There was a fridge full of food downstairs, that they could eat in the sunshine outside, then they could go do their homework in the barn, listening to music and playing with the dog. Helen and Gabe were going to come home, sober, and make him dinner. Ask him about his homework. Offer him a ride to school in the morning. 

 

He wanted it like it wasn’t real. Like he used to want to be able to fly or turn into animals. 

 

But it was. 

 

But it didn’t feel real. It still felt like it wasn’t supposed to be happening. Like it was just a temporary peace before he went back to his real life. 

 

“You sure you’re okay?” Lukas asked. “You’re really quiet.”

 

“I…” Philip started, not sure how to explain this feeling to Lukas. “Once, when I really young, the river froze. And I went down with some of the other boys from the…” Philip stopped. He and his mom been in a shelter at that point, but he didn’t want to tell Lukas that right now. “The building we were living in then. And we tried to like… skate on it, you know? With our shoes. And I could slide the farthest, because my shoes were so old and worn down. So I was competing with this other kid, Demetrius, to see who could slide further, and we got out to where the ice was really thin. And you could feel it shifting under your feet.”

 

Lukas pulled him tighter, but didn’t say anything. 

 

“And we knew we’d slid too far out, and the other kids were yelling, and a couple adults had finally noticed what we were doing and they were shouting at us to come back in. And we were walking so carefully. Cause the ground wasn’t… real, you know? Like it could go at any moment. We were really on the water. The ice was just… Anyway. We were walking back to the shore, and I don’t know. Maybe we got to close together or something. The ice I was standing on started to sink, and Demetrius jumped away from me, and maybe he broke it or something, but the ice just collapsed under me. I thought it would crack, like in cartoons, but it was just gone. It wobbled a little bit first, and then it was like it disappeared. Whompf.”

 

Lukas started rubbing his palm up and down Philip’s arm. 

 

“Demetrius came back for me, and a couple of the other kids. They pulled me out, and they got me to shore and some guy there gave me his quilt and somebody called my mom and she came and got me and _I was fine_ ,” Philip said quickly, because he could feel the way Lukas was going tight underneath him. “But… I… everything feels like that right now. That wobbling feeling before the ice breaks.”

 

Lukas pressed at Philip’s other shoulder, pushing him onto his side. He curled up tightly behind Philip, pulled the blankets up to Philip’s chin, and held him close. “Just hearing about that makes me cold,” he said, with a fake shiver. 

 

Philip laughed. “Yeah.”

 

“I guess that’s why you don’t swim, huh?”

 

“Yeah,” Philip answered. “I got stuck under the ice and I thought I was gonna die. I was a small kid. It was a small hole. It’s a good thing Demetrius had weirdly long arms.” 

 

Lukas squeezed him again. “My mom took me skating one time. With Taylor and Zach. Zach bumped into some girl and she slipped, and she had those girl skates, the white ones with the sharp toe things on the front? She fell over and kicked up, and stabbed the toe spikes into Zack’s chin. He still has a scar.”

 

A sudden wave of sadness overtook Philip. His throat went tight, like there was something caught halfway done. Like a rock. 

 

“She wasn’t going to be _cured_ ,” Philip whispered. 

 

“What?” Lukas asked. 

 

“My mom. I mean, she was trying and I know the rehab was helping and everything. But it wasn’t going to… She’s gotten better like seven or eight times. She’s been to rehab once before too. She’s never stayed clean for more than 8 months.  I’m always going to…” Philip cleared his throat. “I was always going to have to take care of her. I… I wanted her to be in rehab so that I could go see her, and so that I knew she’d be safe without me.” 

 

Lukas made a soft, short noise, like he wanted to tell Philip something comforting, but didn’t know where to start. 

 

Philip swallowed hard. There it was. Whompf. A nice time suddenly gone cold. Lukas had been trying to bring him back to the surface, but he’d just dropped everything right back down. He swallowed down the other thing he wanted to tell someone. That he’d had a plan. 

 

He’d thought it through a hundred times. His mom would go to rehab, maybe even still be sober by the time he aged out. He’d go home, but he’d be old enough to get a job, and maybe even take some classes at the community college. His mom would probably relapse while he was in school, but if he found a two year program into something where he made okay money, he could send her to rehab again, and then when she got out, he would finally be making enough money to move her somewhere. A nicer apartment, a nicer neighborhood. Maybe even get her into job training or something so that she didn’t have to fall back on dealing for money. Then maybe, finally, she would have been okay. Way out in the future. 

 

“I wish—“ Lukas started, but he was cut off but a thoroughly pitiful whine outside the door. 

 

“Popover,” Philip said, relieved that the little dog had pulled him out from this ice water moment. “I bet he needs to go outside.”

 

Lukas let him go and Philip dressed as quickly as he could. He hurried Popover out into the section of the yard that Helen had specified be used for this particular activity, and looked away while Popover did his business. 

 

Lukas loped down the porch after a few minutes, looking at his phone and squinting into the sunlight before he came over to Philip. 

 

“My Dad texted back. I’ve got an appointment with Dr. Marie on Saturday morning.”

 

“Okay.”

 

“Do you… want me to leave the condoms and stuff here at your place?” Lukas asked.

 

Philip shook his head. “No, it’s okay. I can… I could bike into town and get my own. For here. And you can keep yours for your place?”

 

The right corner of Lukas’s mouth inched upward, like he wasn’t sure if he was allowed to smile yet.

 

“Yeah. Okay. Do you we should take him out for,” he mimed walking with two fingers. 

 

“Yeah, that’s a good idea.” Philip smiled back at him, to show him it was okay. 

 

They got the leash from the porch. Popover held very still so Philip could put it on. Lukas held out his hand and Philip took it. 

 

“You can tell me more about your mom if you want,” Lukas said. 

 

Philip squeezed Lukas’s hand and felt warm again. 

 

***

 

Helen parked outside the station, set her head to the steering wheel, and laughed.

 

Well. Shit.

 

When she and Gabe had decided to become foster parents to a teenager, this is exactly the type of thing she thought they would be getting into. Underage drinking, sex, and hopefully nothing harder than weed in their house.  If she was being completely honest, she felt like they’d lucked out with Philip. Sure, she’d found him staggering drunk a couple times, but that’s what seventeen year olds in a small town did. Even the couple of lies she’d caught him in would not have been that big a deal if it weren’t for the triple homocide hanging over everything. 

 

He was a great kid. Really. 

 

And she was, evidently, just a little bit hopeless as a foster mother. 

 

She was a good cop. She’d interrogated Lukas, hidden him when a killer was after him, shot the killer who had threatened Philip, and had to tell Philip that his mother had been murdered. All of that, she’d handled, taken in stride, gotten done.

 

But in the face of Philip and Lukas skipping school to have sex, she had just opted out. Naked teenagers had utterly defeated her ability to take control of a situation. 

 

This was fucking ridiculous.

 

She pulled her phone out of her pocket. Gabe picked up on the second ring.

 

“Hey, everything okay?”

 

Helen steadied her voice. “Yeah, yeah. The film I ordered for Philip came in so I took off a little early. Went home to see how he was doing.”

 

“Okay,” Gabe said. “Did he… I don't know. Engage with that at all?”

 

“I don't know,” Helen said. “I didn't talk to him. He was in his room, having sex with Lukas.”

 

This was greeted with a moment of silence, and then an exasperated groan. “Shit. I wish you’d waited a couple hours to tell me that.”

 

“Why?”

 

“I just got a call from Bo. I’m on my way to meet him for a beer.”

 

Another laugh escaped Helen. “Okay. What the hell do we do?”

 

“What _did_ you do?”

 

“I left!” Helen replied. “Jesus, after everything they’ve been through? It's hard to blame them. And I mean… it was clearly too…” she laughed again. “It seemed pretty pointless to knock on the door and scare them into stopping.” 

 

Gabe sighed. “Okay. Well… I mean… they’re seventeen. It’s not that big a deal, right?

 

Helen shrugged. “I was younger than 17.”

 

“How young?” Gabe asked. 

 

“I don’t recall,” Helen lied. 

 

“I was sixteen,” Gabe volunteered. “So…we’re letting this happen?”

 

“I… Honestly, Gabe, I’m leaning toward yes. The last thing in the world I want after everything that’s happened is for them to be sneaking off to some secluded spot. Nine people were recently murdered. Lukas and Philip were nearly murdered too. We both knew how pointless it’s going to be to try to stop them. I’d rather know they were on the property. Preferably behind a locked door.”

 

“Talk about safe sex,” Gabe said. 

 

Helen snorted, but caught herself. “No. This isn’t funny. We are responsible for these kids. We need to find a solution to this… very _awkward_ problem.”

 

“Okay,” Gabe sighed. “I guess… we… talk to Philip. Right? About condoms and consent and… you know. The birds and the bees. Maybe both of them? We should talk to both of them, right?”

 

“Uh huh,” Helen agreed. “We can do that. And what do we do if Bo finds out we’ve decided to just turn a blind eye to the two of them _boning_ in our house?”

 

“Uh, I just saw him in the parking lot… I’m going to have to get back to you on that.” 

 

“Good luck.”

 

***

 

“Okay,” Lukas said, flipping his math book shut. “That’s it. That’s the last of the concentration I have in me for right now. I need to get some air.”

 

“You have like an entire page of problems left to do,” Philip said, kicking Lukas in the shoulder gently. 

 

They’d been on Philip’s bed ever since they got back from walking Popover, laying on their stomachs facing opposite directions while they did homework. Lukas wasn’t sure if was the sex, the walk, the xanax, or the softly playing music, but this was the best he’d felt in easily years. The closest to normal. 

 

He stretched himself as long as he could. “I’ve got a study hall before math,” he said with a yawn. “I’ll be caught up. It’s fine. Since when do you care so much about homework?”

 

Philip shrugged. “I missed way more school than you did.”

 

“There’s half a meatloaf at my house too,” Luaks said, stretching again.

 

“You’re ridiculous. You ate three of those sandwiches Helen made.”

 

“I’m still healing. I need protein.” Lukas started packing up his books as Philip rolled his eyes at him. “Are you coming to school tomorrow?”

 

Philip stared down into his book. Lukas saw the muscle in his jaw twitch.

 

“Maybe. I want to.”

 

“Okay. Do you want me to stay?”

 

Philip looked up at him. “No. It’s fine. We spent the whole day together. Go get to the meatloaf before your father does.”

 

Lukas swung his full back pack over his shoulder, and Philip pulled himself up to sitting. “I’ll walk out with you.”

 

Their hands brushed as they hit the bottom of the stairs as Lukas said goodnight to Helen. He didn’t even care that she saw it. It was a new feeling. That empty place where the worry should be. 

 

Philip walked him all the way to his dirt bike, then stopped and crossed his arms. 

 

“I had a really good time with you today,” Philip said. 

 

Lukas put his hands around Philip’s shoulders. “I always have a good time with you.”

 

Philip’s face split into that grin that Lukas loved, the one where he looked so happy and uncomplicated, as though, just for that second, he wasn’t holding anything back. Lukas cupped Philip’s cheek and moved forward, kissing Philip before the grin changed. Philip’s hands settled at Lukas’s hips, and Lukas pulled back. 

 

That smile was still there when he did. Despite all the dark, heavy shit that had happened today, and the hard memories Philip had told Lukas about, Philip was brighter than ever. 

 

“I love you.” 

 

The words were in the air before Lukas even felt his mouth close. He wasn’t even sure he was the one who had said it until Philip’s smile faltered, Lukas felt his stomach turn to lead, and then, after the longest second that had ever passed, Philip smiled again. 

 

“I love you too.”

 


	9. Chapter 9

 

Rose saw the line outside O’Donovan’s classroom and sighed. That probably meant he was in a mood today. He was notorious for holding classes after the bell in order to make a point. Like she really needed that shit today. 

 

With a sigh, she fell into the line, leaned back against the bank of lockers and pulled her phone out of her pocket. If O’Donovan was really foaming at the mouth right now, she would have plenty of time to scroll through Pinterest. 

 

“Hey,” a hesitant voice said, as someone settled against the locker next to her. 

 

“Philip.” She tried not to sound too surprised to see him. “How’s it going?”

 

“Better,” Philip said quietly. 

 

She bit her lip, not sure if she should say anything, then couldn’t stop herself. “I’m sorry about your mom.”

 

It was the wrong thing to say. She could see the way Philip tensed up and his eyes went glassy. 

 

“Thanks,” he managed. “You… um. It was nice of you to be keeping an out for us yesterday. I heard about you checking in with Lindsey and Taylor. And I know you asked Lukas if I was coming back to school. And I appreciated you taking notes for me.”

 

Rose shrugged. “You don’t think I was just being a nosy pain in the butt?”

 

Philip gave her a weak smile. “Oh, no, you totally were, just… it’s not terrible? To have people looking out for you.”

 

“What happened to you guys yesterday?”

 

Philip shrugged. “Oh. You know. Um. Panic attack. My doctor said that might happen to me sometimes for a while. You know. It’s been. A lot.”

 

“I’m sorry. I’m glad you’re back today.” She smiled back at him. She felt like she should hug him again, but she didn’t want to call too much attention to themselves. Philip looked down at the floor. Feeling like the moment was over, she brought her phone back to eye level and began to scroll. 

 

“What are you looking at?” Philip asked. 

 

It was hard to tell if he was apologetic or just awkward. And if he was awkward, if he was awkward around her specifically, or just an awkward person altogether. Rose found herself more interested in learning the answer than she had expected to be. 

 

The thing was, she had actually liked Lukas, a lot. When no one else was around, he was sweet and fun. Rose had realized pretty early on that he wasn’t actually interested in being her boyfriend… but he never made her feel like he wasn’t interested in her as a person. It was a nice feeling. 

 

And she was getting a very similar feeling from Philip’s ungainly attempt to make small talk with her. He seemed nice, and like he actually would like to be friends, and like he understood that she had all the reasons in the world not to bother getting to know him. And yes, the fact that he and Lukas had been sneaking around and lying to her sucked, but it had taken her all of an hour to get over it. It would be different if Lukas had been cheating on her with a girl. 

 

Besides, Philip seemed so goddamn fragile. Rose could tell that if she just raised an eyebrow at him and went back to her phone, he would stop talking to her, edge away and probably never try to talk to her ever again. 

 

She moved her phone over to where they could both see it. “My digital happy place. Pinterest.”

 

Philip glanced at her before looking at her phone, then looked back. “Oh. That’s… a lot of dresses.”

 

“It was my prom inspiration board,” Rose told him with a sigh and then a smile to let him know that she didn’t mean anything by it. “I still like looking at all the dresses though,” she pointed at a high necked, midnight blue Zuhair Murad dress. “This is the one I would accept my Golden Globe in,” She told him with a laugh. She closed the pin and pulled up another of her favorites, a minty green Marchesa.

 

“For the Grammys?” Philip asked. 

 

Rose scoffed. “No, Marchesa for the Oscars, what sort of heathen are you?”

 

Philip actually laughed. “It’s pretty. I’m sure you could still wear it to prom.”

 

“This is dress costs four thousand, nine hundred and ninety five dollars,” Rose told him. “I’m not going to wear it within two damn miles of a Red Solo cup.”

 

“Holy fuck,” Philip answered. “I… don’t really know anything about stuff like this.”

 

Rose shrugged. “Yeah. It’s a day-dream dress. If I go to prom I’ll get a dress at JC Penny like everyone else.”

 

“I umm…” Philip started. “I’m sure someone will want to take you to prom. Um… you’re beautiful and nice, and it would take someone who was a moron or… you know, _something_ , to not see that.”

 

She held in a sigh. She could recognize an apology, and Philip had too much going on right now for her to inform him of just how hugely, categorically wrong he was. So instead of trying to find a way to answer him, she just shrugged and brought her phone back up to where they could both see it again until the bell rang.

* * *

 

“Hey,” Lukas called to Philip catching up to him outside his fourth hour class. 

 

Philip smiled at him, a wide open smile that made Lukas’s stomach flop. The feeling was chased by the worry that someone would see them and get suspicious, but Lukas pushed it away. He’d been getting this feeling lately, not exactly like being less worried, but like he had been so worried for so long that he was almost bored by the feeling. He wanted to feel something other than worry because worry wasn’t interesting anymore. 

 

“Hey,” Philip replied. 

 

“How’s today going?”

 

“Better.”

 

“Good,” Lukas held up the brown paper bag that had been waiting for him on the kitchen counter this morning. “Want to go eat out on the grass?”

 

Philip eyed the brown paper bag. “What’s in it?”

 

“Two PB and J’s and two apples.”

 

Philip looked skeptical. “Does your father know you didn’t leave for a kindergarten field trip this morning?”

 

Lukas laughed. “Hey, it’s better than Helen’s mashed potatoes and chicken.” 

 

“This is because of yesterday.” Philip crossed his arms in front of himself. 

 

Lukas didn’t see the point in denying it. “Yeah. It is.”

 

“Your friends seemed cool with—“

 

“Yeah, but it was hard to watch you like that,” Lukas cut him off. “You know? Like really scared like that. I’ve… I’ve seen you scared too many times.”

 

Philip looked surprised, then happy again. “We’re just going to eat out on the grass together?”

 

“Nah, the guy’s and Lindsey were going to come too. It’s so nice out.”

 

“What kind of jelly?”

 

“Grape.”

 

Philip rolled his eyes. “Okay. I guess you’ve convinced me.”

 

They walked out the nearest exit, into the sunshine, which washed over Lukas’s skin like warm water.  He brought Philip out to the spot he and his friends usually sat in when they ate outside and dropped down onto the grass. 

 

“Did your Dad really pack and extra lunch for me?” Philip asked. 

 

Lukas shrugged. “No. I did.”

 

Philip glanced around, then whispered, “You’re a good boyfriend.”

 

“Boyfriend, huh?” Lukas repeated with a shiver. 

 

“Yeah,” Philip replied, still whispering as he grabbed the brown paper bag and pulled one of the apples out of it. “We’ve slept together and you told me you loved me. I’m putting a label on it.”

 

Lukas snorted. “Okay. Boyfriend.”

 

He wiped the sappy grin off his face when he saw Zack walk out the door, and missed it when it was gone.

 

* * *

 

 

Philip was surprised to see Helen's jeep after school, and more surprised when it barked at him as he approached. Helen rolled down the window and Popover jumped up to see him. Philip grinned, scooped the dog into his arms, and opened the door as he shrugged his back pack off.

 

“What is he doing here?” Philip asked, scratching behind his ears.

 

“Needed some back up,” Helen said with a smile as she drove. “So, social services is supposed to call in about fifteen minutes, which is just enough time to get to that Dairy Queen out by the highway.

 

Philip was about to point out that he knew what she was doing. Ice cream and a puppy wasn't exactly subtle. But he also knew that if he told her he was fine, and she didn't have to do all this for him just because he got so upset talking to social services now that he was an official orphan, she would just reply “I want to.”

 

So they drove to the Dairy Queen, he answered the phone, he went through the little questionnaire with his case worker, and Helen got him an M&M blizzard. 

 

He was just about to admit that having Popover during the phone call had helped when Helen cleared her throat.

 

“I want to talk to you about something. Everything is okay, no one’s in trouble and it doesn't have to be a big deal… but we need to talk.”

 

Philip felt that weird feeling he got in his body whenever an adult tried to start a conversation with him like this. It was like a hyper intense blankness. Like his body and mind shut down any processes running in the background, so that when whatever they had to say dropped like a bomb, there wouldn’t be anything left to blast. 

 

Popover licked his palm, and pulled him just a little bit out of that protective emptiness. Philip took a bite of his ice cream to cover the weird feeling that he was stretched between his normal self and the shell he tried to turn himself into when people needed to give him bad news.

 

 “I know you and Lukas are having sex.”

 

Philip choked on his ice cream, looked up at Helen and immediately dropped his gaze back down to Popover, whose ears perked up.

 

“And it's okay,” she went on calmly, once Philip had caught his breath. “This is not a conversation about lecturing you. Or stopping you.”

 

“What… what is this a conversation about?” Philip managed. He directed the question at Popover, still unable to look at Helen. 

 

Helen wasn’t his mother. His mother had always treated him more like a friend than a son, and so she had said things to him that, he was gathering out here in the boonies, mothers didn’t typically say to their sons. Plus, really, a studio apartment didn’t leave much room for privacy.  Philip had also known how to cut his mother off when she was digging too deep at something he didn’t want to tell her, 

 

Helen, though. Helen was an adult. Helen knew he didn’t want her to be his mother but she was trying to be his FOSTER MOTHER, and she was trying so hard and Philip didn’t always know what to do with the way she put so much effort into him. 

 

Like now. 

 

“Ground rules,” Helen said. 

 

“Ground rules?”

 

“Yes.”

 

 Philip finally managed to look up. Helen had been eating her own blizzard, but one of her hands had strayed to the steering wheel and her knuckles were white. She didn’t want to be having this conversation either. “Gabe and I are responsible for you, and we care about you, and the most important thing to us is that you are safe.”

 

Philip thought about pointing out that he and Lukas had been using protection, but there were hooks in the way Helen listened to things. Answering her when she was being Sheriff Torrance instead of just Helen always worked against you. It was always better to let her talk than to let her make you talk. 

 

“Okay,” Helen said with a heavy sigh. “To that end, We don’t want the two of you sneaking off. No lover’s lanes, no spots just off the highway, no mostly empty fields. Keep it in your room. And um… I’m assuming the hayloft. Just… pull the ladder up behind you.”

 

Philip heard this and let it sink in. “Wait. Really?”

 

“Yes,” Helen said. “Tivoli isn’t as safe as it used to be. If we come home and you and Lukas are in your room, we’ll turn on some music or something, but if I find out that you were out parking, I’m going to be furious.” 

 

“Parking?”

 

Helen sighed. She let go of the steering wheel. “When I was your age, it’s what we called fooling around in a car somewhere without a lot of traffic.” She took a big bite of her blizzard and seemed to relax a little. “Be respectful. Don’t let it get loud when we’re home. Wash your own sheets. Are you using condoms?”

 

Philip, who was still trying to digest the fact that this was really happening, took a second to answer. “Yes. Lukas bought… yes.”

 

“Good. Do you need us to buy you more?”

 

Philip was now sweating with discomfort. He was so uncomfortable he didn’t wasn’t sure he ever wanted to have sex again.  “I’d rather… I would rather by my own.”

 

“That’s fine, we’ll give you some money.” Helen took another bite from her blizzard. “And um… just come to us first if something is wrong. Like, if… if there’s a medical thing, or if Lukas… pushes you too far or something. Talk to us. If you can’t talk to us, we can have a word with your psychiatrist. No gritty details, we just want to let her know that we had this conversation with you, and if something happens that you feel more comfortable having her relay it to us, that’s fine.” She tapped her spoon against her cup. “Oh, and you can’t ditch school to come home and have sex. I know yesterday there were extenuating circumstances, but just for future reference? No classes, no nookie.”

 

“Please don’t say nookie,” Philip begged. Helen laughed, just a little. 

 

Philip wasn’t sure how to answer any of this. He wasn’t sure what his mother would have said, but it wouldn’t have been this. He’d seen enough TV and talked to enough other kids in his life to know that this was weird. Adults were supposed to freak out and get weird if they thought you were having sex, not tell you to keep in in their house and offer to buy you condoms. 

 

It wasn’t exactly the sort of thing he felt like he could have a conversation about either. But he wanted to give Helen something. Some reassurance that he was okay and she was doing the right thing and that he appreciated it. 

 

“He’s nice to me,” Philip managed finally. “Lukas.” 

 

“Good.”

 

“Yesterday. We ate lunch with this friends, and they were really cool about what happened to me. Lukas took me to the nurses office and stayed with me until I calmed down. We only ditched because he wanted to take me home. And I did go right to sleep. Like I said I did. We just… woke up later.”

 

“I get it,” Helen said. “I was seventeen once too.”

 

Philip nodded. Ate some of his blizzard. Petted Popover.  “Bo doesn’t…”

 

“No,” Helen said, sighing and sinking back in her seat and finally looking less rehearsed and in control. “We didn’t know what to do about Bo and didn’t want to accost Lukas without talking to you first. We know Lukas isn’t… where you are with all of this. And Bo definitely isn’t. So… don’t do anything that gets us all caught?” Helen’s voice turned up into a weird, young suggestion.

 

Philip couldn’t help but laugh.  “Okay. I somehow think we can manage that.”

 

“Okay,” Helen said. “Well. Let’s head home. Do you want to listen to the radio, or just sit in the awkward silence?”

 

Philip reached for the radio, and Helen started the engine back up

 

* * *

 

 

Lukas had forgotten that Taylor’s mom was a hugger. The moment she saw him she turned away from the sink and pulled him into her arms. She was short and round and smelled like bread.

 

“Oh, Lukas, sweetheart.” She hugged him tighter. “I’m so happy to see you. I read all about it in the news of course. I’ve been so worried about you.”

 

“Mom, you can't squeeze him like that,” Taylor sighed.

 

“Oh, Lord. That's right. I’m sorry Lukas.”

 

“No, it's fine,” Lukas assured her, resisting the urge to touch the wound in his chest. He glanced around the kitchen realizing that it felt strange to be there not just because it had been a while, but because the room— and Taylor’s whole house, was unusually clean and quiet. 

 

“Where are all the munchkins?”

 

Taylor’s mother had remarried when they were in middle school. Taylor had three much younger half siblings who were, when Lukas last saw them, a tornado of questions and energy.

 

A look of bliss came over Mrs. M’s face. “Saddler is having a good day. He took them all to the park. It’s been heaven. I’m just finishing up the dishes and then I’mg going to have a glass of wine and find a documentary on the Netflix. What are you boys up to today?”

 

“We’re going to put those shocks on my bike,” Taylor told her. 

 

“Right. Of course. Well. Don't play your music too loud.” She patted Lukas’s side. “And I’ll be out with something for you bean poles to eat.”

 

“Mom, we can just find something in the—“

 

“No, I just cleaned this kitchen, I want to enjoy it for more than five minutes. I’ll bring you some turkey sandwiches. Now scoot.”

 

They thanked her and went out to the garage. 

 

Taylor walked over to a bench on the far side of the garage, pulled a couple wrenches off the peg board behind it, and handed one to Lukas. Taylor started taking apart the front strut, Lukas started taking off the seat.

 

“Thanks for doing this today,” Taylor said. “You’re being very cool about moving things around just to accommodate my girlfriend.”

 

The formality in Taylor’s tone made Lukas feel terrible. This gap between them had been growing ever since Taylor had started dating Lindsey, but Lukas was the one who had let it get out of control. 

 

“It's no big deal,” Lukas replied. “We wouldn't have to move anything if I didn't have an appointment in the city tomorrow.”

 

“Right,” Taylor said. “Still.”

 

All their weekend plans had gotten rescheduled over lunch. Zack had bailed on everything because he’d made other plans with the football team. Lukas had been forced to admit he had an appointment with his psychiatrist in the morning. Lindsey wanted to come riding but had 4H at four, and since Philip had a call with social services right after school, (which he hadn't mentioned to Lukas, at all), and Micah was going to a movie with some other friends, it had wound up being just Lukas and Taylor. 

 

Lukas turned the wrench, fishing for something to say and feeling worse about how it quiet it was the longer it took him to think of something. 

 

Taylor turned on some music. It helped a little. 

 

“You still gonna do the Harvest race this year?” Taylor finally asked. 

 

But it wasn’t a relief. 

 

Lukas sighed. “I don't know.”

 

“Seriously?” Taylor said. “You’ve been practicing for that race for most of year.”

 

“Yeah, but…” Lukas shrugged. “I’ve only gone out twice since I got shot. My chest still gets sore I’m holding myself up for too long. An I already lost a sponsor. I have to come in in the top three to have even a little chance at another one.”

 

“What do you mean you lost a sponsor?”

 

Lukas explained about the sponsor that told him he had to keep his nose clean just before he’d gone to Sheriff Torrance with a murder weapon to tell her that he’d seen a triple homocide and the killer. He left out the details. 

 

“Wow,” Taylor said. “Okay. Not to be insensitive, but… sponsors are looking for people who will make them money, not choir boys. Maybe you just need to find a sponsor that won’t punish you for being in the wrong place at the wrong time.”

 

“Maybe,” Lukas said. “I don’t know. I guess I don’t think I’m the kind of person anyone wants to sponsor anymore.”

 

He hadn't meant to say that last part. He’d never really thought through it before. But it felt true, even without the murders. He couldn't keep his promises to Philip and still be the right guy for a brand.

 

“You’re making money from your youtube channel,” Taylor pointed out. 

 

“I haven’t put footage up in weeks.”

 

“Well. Philip is coming tomorrow, isn’t he? Ask him to shoot some for you.”

 

“Yeah. I’ll text him about it later.”

 

“Philip seemed a lot better today,” Taylor said. 

 

He said it casually. Didn't look up from the bolt he was loosening.

 

And Lukas tried not to think about that spark of suspicion he’d felt when Taylor had invited Philip along riding last week. 

 

If anyone could have figured the truth out, it was Taylor. That was part of the reason they hadn't hung out one-on-one for such a long time. Taylor knew him, and he had this way of asking the right questions over weeks and months. He’d push a little too hard at lunch one day, and then drop it, only to pick the subject back up again a week later while they were riding, or during gym, or randomly over lunch. 

 

And especially now, when Lukas was trying so hard to find ways he could loosen up, teeny things he didn’t have to hide, he couldn’t handle giving Taylor what he would need to slowly chip this secret loose. He wasn’t ready for another person to figure it out. 

 

“Yeah, he was,” Lukas said. “He's having a really hard time. I mean… he got put in foster care, and then… everything that happened with the killer. And his mom… umm. His mom died.”

 

Taylor nodded. “That sucks.”

 

The door between the garage and the house swung open. Taylor’s mom walked in with a plate of sandwiches, two cokes, and a bag of barbecue potato chips. 

 

Starting to get that sharp worried feeling, the one he couldn’t fight back down, Lukas took his afternoon xanax and washed it down with some coke. He didn’t try to hide it from Taylor, and Taylor barely reacted. 

 

“Um. Sorry Zack was such an asshole at lunch today,” Taylor said. 

 

Lukas shrugged. “Whatever. He’s just pissed because he didn’t think he’d join the football team and still be the last one to be a virgin.” He said it without thinking and felt dirty. Why was he pretending to be like this? Taylor was trying to be cool about the fact that Zack had tried to mock Lukas for the pills and the shrink that were making him feel better. 

 

Not for the first time recently, Lukas wondered why he couldn’t be the person he was around Philip all the time. The guy that he actually liked. Not the asshole who only talked when he had something stupid and mean to say. 

 

“Yeah,” Taylor said. “I guess. He’s been pissing me off lately. Lindsey hates him.”

 

“Lindsey was amazing yesterday,” Lukas said. 

 

He’d hoped it would pull Taylor off of the topic of Philip and shrinks, but Taylor just gave him a strange look. 

 

“Yeah. She’s the best. Was your dad pissed when he’d found out you skipped?”

 

“I think he was, but he didn’t say anything. He’s… you know. Having a hard time with everything that’s happened too.”

 

They finished eating and went back to working on the bike together. It was a little easier now. The awkwardness was starting to lift. Taylor talked to him about having Saddler home. How good it was to know that he was back and safe. How hard it was to see how different it was. 

 

As they installed the new shocks, they speculated together on whether or not Micah was going to ask out Elaine Tjerstad, or just stare at her across the biology classroom forever. 

 

“He really does need a girlfriend,” Lukas laughed. The Xanax was starting to kick in. He could tell now that some of the uncomfortableness when he’d first come over and just been in his head. 

 

“He does,” Taylor said. 

 

“So you and Lindsey are pretty serious, huh?”

 

Taylor gave him that odd look again, where he met Lukas’s eyes for just a second too long. “Yeah. It’s been eight months. We’ve kind of hit all those milestones to be serious, you know?”

 

Lukas’s mouth felt a little dry. “Milestones?”

 

“Yeah. We’ve been on a couple fancy sort of dates. Met each other’s parents. Had a couple fights and made up. Said I love you. Put a label on it. _Nearly_ everything.”

 

“Nearly?” Lukas asked. 

 

Taylor blushed and shrugged and let his wrench fall to his side. “Yeah. Man. _Nearly_. Zack’s not the only one who hasn’t turned in a v-card. Okay?”

 

“Oh,” Lukas said. “I… sorry. I wasn’t trying to be an asshole to you earlier.”

 

Taylor shrugged. “Whatever, man. It’s gonna happen soon. Lindsey says we’re just waiting for the right time now. And you know. A private place.”

 

“Oh,” Lukas said, trying not to compare the list Taylor had just given him to the one he couldn’t stop himself from making. 

 

He and Philip had done _nearly_ all those things too. Hell, they’d done two of them, and had sex for the second time, in the last 24 hours. The only thing he hadn’t done was take Philip out on a date. Yelling at him at a gay club in the city didn’t count. 

 

“Uh… you and Rose,” Taylor asked, finally sounding unsure of himself. “What… happened?”

 

Coldness started to creep up Lukas’s fingers. 

 

Lindsey and Rose were friends. 

 

Lukas hadn’t actually believed that Rose wouldn’t tell anyone until he’d gotten to school and no one seemed to know. He’d spent the first three days waiting for someone to march up to him and mock him for it. Call him a name. 

 

But nothing. 

 

And she’d been nice to him, when she had no reason to be. And she had gone out of her way to help Philip, when she didn’t have to. 

 

But… there were things that Lukas would only have told Taylor. And things that Lukas would only have told Philip. And it was too easy to imagine that Rose had been able to tell Lindsey something that Lindsey had been able to tell Taylor. 

 

And Taylor was so good at getting people to talk to him. 

 

“Everything got crazy,” Lukas answered, talking to the bolt he was working back on rather than to Taylor. “I just couldn’t keep dating her with everything that was happening.”

 

Taylor made a noise that sounded more like he was listening than like he’d believed a word Lukas had said. 

 

“And I just…was never that into her.”

 

Taylor didn’t say anything and the silence stretched and stretched. 

 

Lukas realized that he was waiting for Taylor to say that he already knew. That Rose had told him after all, or he’d figured it out because Lukas hadn’t been careful enough around Philip at lunch, or somehow Taylor had been able to see whatever it was that Lukas had seen in Philip. That thing that made Lukas almost sure that Philip… would get it. 

 

The balloon of panic feeling started again. Filling up his chest. Forcing the air out. And the bigger the balloon got, the further away Taylor felt. 

 

Lukas hated this. He _hated_ it. Taylor was his best friend. Taylor had never lied to him. And he was fucking everything up by being spending so much time terrified of his best friend and he was hurting Philip by being afraid.

 

For the first time he found himself wanting someone to know. He wanted Taylor to look up and say that he knew about Lukas, and that Lukas could stop lying and stop pretending. 

 

Taylor’s world wasn’t as small as Zack’s, or Lukas’s father’s. Maybe Taylor would get it. Maybe Taylor would be okay with it. 

 

“Really?” Taylor finally said. “You seemed like you really liked her. And you slept with her.”

 

“I did like her. I _do_ like her,” Lukas said. 

 

Another spiky silence flopped between them. 

 

“Okay,” Taylor said. “You know… I’m sure she gets that you’ve had a hard time lately. She’d probably go out with you again if you asked her.”

 

“I’m not going to ask Rose out again,” Lukas said, a high buzzing sound that he recognized so well going through his head. This was feeling before he lost control. This was the feeling he got before he hit someone, or ran off or lied about a federal crime, and he couldn’t stop it. 

 

“Okay, did something big happen between you two? Bigger than that sex tape leak thing? Cause she somehow forgave you for that.”

 

He must have looked or sounded weird. Taylor’s voice was getting more careful, smoother. He was starting to talk to Lukas like he’d talked to Philip whenPhilip had started gasping for breath and clinging to the table. 

 

“Rose and I didn’t have sex.” Lukas said. “And I don’t… I don’t want a girlfriend.”

 

It was so much harder to say that to Taylor than it had been to say it to Philip.

 

“Okay,” Taylor said gently. “Okay. That makes sense. You have a lot going on right now. A girlfriend is probably too much for you right now.”

 

Lukas nodded. He finished tightening the bolt he’d been working on when Taylor brought up Rose, and stared at it.

 

“Lukas? You okay?”

 

“I’m gay.”

 


	10. Chapter 10

“I’m gay.”

 

He’d chosen to say it. It  hadn’t popped out of him. It hadn’t been the same sort of explosion that punching Philip at school had been, or the feeling like drowning in hot water that he’d been filled with when Philip had convinced him to try to go save the turkeys. He’d  decided to say it because he couldn’t take not saying it anymore. And now, there it was. Said. 

 

He glanced up at Taylor, saw that he was frozen, and immediately dropped his gaze back down the to the bolt he’d been staring at before.

 

Silence went on and on and on. 

 

Lukas finally looked up again. He’d imagined that if he ever told anyone, he’d see anger or disgust across their face, and suddenly he realized that Taylor was the first person he’d gotten to tell. The first person who hadn’t found out from someone else, and then, days later, come to him with that walking-on-eggshells look on their face. 

 

Taylor was staring at him in disbelief. 

 

“Say something,” Lukas demanded. 

 

“Uh… woah,” Taylor managed. “That’s… big.”

 

Lukas grabbed his bag and stood up. What the hell had he been thinking?

 

Taylor shot to his feet. Lukas leapt back from him and Taylor’s face fell. 

 

“No, hey, don’t leave,” Taylor said, his voice high and tight. “Just. I’m sorry, you just… blindsided me. Uh… sit down. I’m gonna get us both another coke. It’s okay. It’s okay. We can talk about this. I’ll be right back. Don’t go anywhere.”

 

Taylor ran for the door back into the house. Lukas dug his keys out of his back pack and shoved them into his front pocket, but sat back down, shaking. 

 

Taylor re-appeared, dragged his chair closer to Lukas, and handed him a can of coke. Lukas held the ice cold can between his hands, but didn’t open it. 

 

“You really didn’t know?” Lukas asked. “I haven’t… I thought everyone was going to figure it out.”

 

“No, Lukas,” Taylor sighed and cracked his own Coke open. “I really didn’t know. I… Jesus. I thought the reason that things have been so weird between us was because you liked Lindsey.”

 

Lukas took in this sentence. It flopped around in his head like a dying fish, and refused to make sense. 

 

“You… why?”

 

Taylor shrugged. “You ask about her in a weird way. You look at her kind of weird. You stopped talking to me for a while after I started dating her and then when things started to get more serious between us you asked out her friend, who you’d barely spoken to before.” 

 

Lukas finally opened his drink and took a deep gulp of it to help with his dry mouth. “Ummm… no? I just…” He’d talked to his shrink about this, but that was different. Dr. Marie was an hour away, and she was like four and a half feet tall and always smiling and her whole job was to listen to him say the things he didn’t say to other people. He gulped down more coke. “I think I was jealous. It was easy for you. You found this cool, beautiful girl and like… People thought it made you cool, and I started to freak out about the fact that I’d never had a girlfriend… and didn’t think I could… and Rose was around because Lindsey was around. And she was nice. And I didn’t know what else to do.”

 

“Okay. Wow,” Taylor sighed. “Fuck. I’m sorry. I should have… I didn’t think I could ask you about it because you were always so fucking weird about things. Micah thought you were on drugs. He heard you tried to buy drugs off of Evan Mulligan. We almost went to talk to your dad about it after you skipped Tommy and Tracy’s memorial.”

 

“I’m not on drugs,” Lukas said. “Well. Just the pills from my doctor. I did try to buy drugs off Evan. But that was about the murders. I couldn’t concentrate and I always felt like I’d just stuck my finger in an outlet and I hadn’t slept in days and I just needed something. Fucker sold me a bottle full of altoids for a hundred bucks.” He tried to force a laugh. It came out as a dry, ugly noise, like a chest cough.

 

“Okay,” Taylor said. “Okay. So… you don’t do drugs. You aren’t into Lindsey. You’re just… gay?”

 

“Um. Yes.”

 

“Does anyone else know?”

 

Any true answer to this question was going to force Lukas to tell Taylor everything. He wasn’t sure he was ready. But he’d come this far. 

 

“Uh. Rose does.”

 

“So that’s why you really broke up? You told her?”

 

Lukas shook his head. “No. I… I broke up with her and didn’t really tell her why. She said she figured it out. She… when I was in a coma she told Philip that she’d figured it out and promised that she wouldn’t tell anyone.”

 

“So Philip knows?”

 

Fuck. Why was this so hard? He hadn’t been good at hiding it. He and Philip had been meeting all over town in barely concealed places, everyone knew they’d been dragged into the sheriff’s office for underage drinking, everyone knew they’d skipped Tommy and Tracy’s memorial together, Philip had crashed a party, drunk off his ass, demanding to see Lukas. For fuck’s sake, Lukas had taken Philip to the nurse’s office and then home and brought him lunch in the last two days. If he’d known people were going to be this fucking dense, he wouldn’t have had to try so hard. He wouldn’t have stressed himself out until his hair fell out and his whole body felt like one big charlie horse. 

 

Lukas sighed, and met Taylor’s gaze, and shrugged. 

 

Taylor shook his head. “Does he?”

 

A flash of annoyance cut through the awkwardness and the fear that suffused Lukas. “I hope so. We’ve made out enough times for him to at least guess.”

 

Taylor’s look of shock was nearly funny. 

 

“Oh.” He said. Then: “Ooooohhhhhh.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Jesus,” Taylor said. He stared down as his coke can for a while, took a drink, and went back to staring at it. “I… I’m sorry you didn’t think you could tell me.”

 

“Don’t be,” Lukas told him. “It was never about you. I just didn’t want to deal with it… and I didn’t and now I’m trying to.” He cleared his throat. “Fuck, though. I can’t believe you didn’t figure out about Philip yesterday.”

 

“Well, now that I know, I’m surprised I didn’t see it too,” Taylor said. “I just… this is Tivoli, not the city. It’s not the first thing that comes to mind. Does your Dad know?”

 

“Yeah. I guess he saw Philip kiss me on the forehead while I was in the hospital. Philip didn’t see him. He’s trying to deal with it. I’m not really sure if he’s freaked out around me right now because of the murders, or because of Philip, or what. We’re sort of white knuckling it right now.”

 

“Are you and Philip, like, serious?” 

 

“I guess,” Lukas replied. Something in Taylor’s open face made the knot in Lukas’s gut loosen a little. “I mean… we’ve done almost everything on your serious relationship checklist too.”

 

Taylor raised his eyebrows. “ _Almost_?” 

 

“It’s hard to go on a real date with a killer after you,” Lukas replied. “And in Tivoli. But. Yeah. Everything else.”

 

“Okay,” Taylor said. “Um… I’m happy for you? Is that the right thing to say?”

 

Lukas felt the tiniest bit of a laugh pull out him. “It’ll work, yeah.”

 

They smiled at each other.

 

 “Hey, please don’t tell anyone,” Lukas said. 

 

“Cross my heart and hope to die,” Taylor said.

 

That sat across each other for a few moments of less dire silence. 

 

 “Come on,” Taylor said finally. “Help me get this seat back on before the munchkins come home.”

 

* * *

 

He’d survived. He’d told someone. He’d told his best friend, and it had made things _better._ A weight had been lifted, a distance had been closed. He and Taylor had hung out working on the bike for another hour, actually talking. Taylor had talked to him about Lindsey, her 4H stuff and her college classes and fun things they had gone and done together. Lukas talked a little about Philip and how nice it was to be trying to do normal things now and the disastrous trip into the city and how he wanted to take him out on a real date— and totally still had the fake id. 

 

It had almost been like the way things used to be, and Lukas hadn’t realized how badly he’d needed that. 

 

He and Taylor had worked on the bike until Taylor had been called in for dinner, which was Lukas’s cue to go home. His father had asked him if they could eat dinner together. 

 

The smell of pork chops was wafting through the air when Lukas walked into the house. His dad made the best pork chops. Perfectly seared, with a little bit of cracked pepper and applesauce. Lukas’s mouth started to water so much he was worried he’d drool. He had not had a big enough lunch, and Mrs. M’s sandwiches had just been tiding him over. 

 

“Lukas!” His dad called. “Just in time. Let me get the potatoes off the stove. Set the table for me?”

 

“Sure, Dad.”

 

Things were getting better here too, Lukas reflected. His dad finding out the truth hadn’t been the instant fix that it had been with Taylor, but he knew his father was trying. Besides, there were things he’d been able to tell Taylor that he couldn’t tell his father. He wasn’t exactly going to sit down and announce over a pork chop that he thought it would be great to take Philip out to the one fancy Italian place in Redhook, and then back to his hayloft before Gabe and Helen got home. Things with his father were more like… Philip exists and that makes me happy. Please be okay with it. 

 

Lukas set out two cups and sets of silverware, then grabbed two plates and set them by the stove. His father dished up a pork chop, a big scoop of mashed potatoes, and a scoop of frozen peas for each of them, and Lukas carried them back to the table. 

 

They each sat on their side, and the silence fell. 

 

Lukas did wish that this could be a little easier. They didn’t talk about Rose anymore, and he hadn’t been out riding since he’d gotten shot, and he could tell his father about putting new shocks on Taylor’s bike for at least a few minutes, but wasn’t sure he was ready to tell his father that he’d finally come out to someone. 

 

“School go better today?” his father asked. 

 

“Yeah,” Lukas answered. “Fine. Pretty normal day. It was nice enough to eat outside. Taylor got some sick new shocks for his bike and we’re going out riding tomorrow.”

 

His father tapped his fork agains his mound of potatoes. “Near the cabin?”

 

Lukas shook his head. “No. Probably out by the ponds near Helen and Gabe’s. I was building a jump out there. Micah is coming. He likes working on the jumps and he doesn’t ride. So.”

 

His father went still and Lukas could practically hear the thought moving this head. The ponds where Lukas had been shot. 

 

“Philip going out with you and Taylor?”

 

“Yeah,” Lukas said. He felt like he needed to justify that, point out that he needed new footage for his channel and that Philip was really good at shooting his practice. He forced himself not to. 

 

His father set his fork down, and Lukas felt his body go tight.

 

No. Today had been such a good day. His father going into serious-talk-mode couldn’t be good. Why today? Why did they have to _have-a-discussion_ when Lukas was doing so well and felt so much better?

 

“I got a call today,” his father said. “From a fella who works at a company that makes some sort of sports drink. They heard about you on the news and they want to sponsor you.”

 

Lukas felt his heart do a weird sort of flip-flop. A company wanted to sponsor him because of what had happened to him? Because he’d seen a murder, and gotten shot, and been kidnapped?

 

“They want to meet with you next week.”

 

“Okay…” Lukas said. “You don’t seem… you don’t seem excited at all. What’s wrong?”

 

“Well. I’m not sure what I think of them. They’re a little… edgy.”

 

“Edgy?” Lukas asked. 

 

His father sighed, pulled his phone out of his pocket and started tapping it. “Dammit. How do I get my email to— oh. There it goes.”

 

He slid the phone across the table and Lukas watched the video it played. It wasn’t a motocross rider. It was a skateboarder. In the ad, he was doing tricks. The camera kept cutting to girls noticing him. The picture was weird. Everything was really sharp and almost seemed to have a black outline. 

 

At the end of the ad the skateboarder grabbed a can of energy drink out of one of the girl’s hands as he sailed past, then landed the trick and waved the can at her, sort of like, “come and get it.” A stupid catch phrase came up in green lettering, and then there was a quick shot of him making out with the girl.  The screen went black. 

 

Lukas pushed the phone back toward his father. 

 

“Okay,” he said. “So?”

 

“All their ads are like this. Sort of like that terrible cologne from a few years ago.”

 

For months, whenever Lukas started to feel an emotion get on top of him in a way he couldn’t stop, it had been fear. It had been a creeping, explosive feeling in his chest threatening to take over and make him do something he didn’t actually want to do. 

 

Now it was anger. 

 

“So?” He repeated. 

 

His father raised an eyebrow at him. “So this is sort of the point behind all of their ads. Drink this. Girls will like you.”

 

Lukas stabbed his fork into his pork chop a little too hard. “That girl is an actress.”

 

“I know that.”

 

“So what’s the problem?”

 

“Lukas, I’m not… I’m not trying to get you to do or say anything. I’m just telling you that this company called and that this is what they do. And all these companies are going to have the same sort of lifestyle clauses that the last one did.”

 

“And what? A triple homocide was my fault?”

 

“Now, I didn’t say that. I’m just trying to tell you—“

 

“I need to be excused,” Lukas announced, standing up without letting his father finish. 

 

“Lukas—“ His father started. 

 

Lukas picked up his plate and dropped his fork on to it. “No. No. I need to go call _my boyfriend_ and tell him that I came out to my best friend, and ask him what the chemistry homework is cause I forgot to write it down.”  Lukas turned and walked toward the stairs. “Boring shit that they don’t put in sports drink ads.”

 

“Lukas!” His father yelled, loud enough that it made Lukas stop. “What did Taylor say? When you told him.. When you told him about Philip?”

 

“He was happy for me,” Lukas called back before he marched up the stairs.


	11. Chapter 11

 

Lukas didn't talk to his father again until they were driving home. He'd listened to his music in the back seat on the way into the city to see Dr. Marie, and then switched to a podcast he and Philip had listened to once in the barn. Some NPR thing where people told stories from the huge world outside of Tivoli. Lukas liked when the story tellers had accents and when people told stories about their families. 

 

In the middle of a funny story by some guy who had tried to cross the English Channel in a bathtub, his father finally spoke. 

 

“Yeah, Dad?” Lukas asked, pulling out one headphone after what he was sure was not the first repetition of his name. 

 

His father sighed. “Are you still angry with me about last night? Can I tell my side of this yet?”

 

Lukas stared out the window for a moment. They were probably only ten minutes from home. “Okay.” He pulled out his other headphone.

 

“I’m not… I’m not trying to tell you what to do about this sponsor. Okay? I’m pointing out that they are a major brand and they are offering enough money for equipment, bikes, competition entry fees, probably even enough money for some college, however and whenever you decide to do that.”

 

“Right,” Lukas said. He’d talked so much this morning. About telling Taylor that he was gay. About how he was still having nightmares, about the thing with the tray on the first day Philip came back to school. He’d even told Dr. Marie about how angry he’d gotten with his father last night, and how he’d wanted Philip to be happier that he’d finally told someone the truth about them. He was tired of talking and he didn’t want to talk about _this_ right now. 

 

“And they… I don't know. If the…stuff in the news is what made them interested in you, I’m not sure what to think of them.”

 

A twinge of annoyance went through Lukas. He had thought about that too. He’d talked to Philip about that. Maybe one of the reasons everything in the world seemed to pour out of him for Dr. Marie was that she let him talk instead of always focusing on what she thought.

 

“Right,” Lukas replied.

 

“And I know how this is going to sound, and I… I don't know how else to say it, so I’m just gonna say it: if you tell them about Philip, they might not want to sponsor you. And if you don't tell them and they find out, they could terminate your contract real quick. You’re just… You’re only seventeen. You’re too young to be limiting your opportunities because of some… boy.”

 

Lukas looked down at his iPhone, pretending to play with the buttons. He’d expected something like this. That’s why he’d gotten so mad last night. That’s why he’d yelled, and stormed up to his room and called Philip, who had told him that he’d go along with whatever Lukas wanted to do about the sponsor. That’s why he’d talked to Dr. Marie about it, who had given him some words for Philip and for his father about this. 

 

He was supposed to tell Philip that Philip got to ask him for things and didn’t have to immediately fold when Lukas wasn’t sure about something. 

 

And he was supposed to tell his father that coming out, on his own terms, at his own pace, was good for him. Feeling forced to stay quiet was going to hurt him. He was supposed to find a way to explain the feeling of relief that had gone through him when Taylor hadn’t freaked out. 

 

Not that he knew how to do that. Even when he’d tried to explain it to Dr. Marie he had mostly been gesturing. 

 

“Do you understand what I’m saying?”

 

“Yeah, Dad,” Lukas said. “I understand.”

 

He shouldn’t say the next part. It was true, but it wasn’t… it wasn’t what Dr. Marie had told him to say. It wasn’t… when she suggested things, Lukas could aways see how they might be able to make things better. But that buzzing was starting in his head again, and he couldn’t tell if it was fear or anger. The sound got louder. The space it took up in his head got bigger, and he felt the words escape him, just as he realized he’d forgotten to take his pill that morning. 

 

“You don’t want anyone to know about me,” Lukas said. “You don’t want to sit in a room with some ad guy and try to talk to him about me… about the truth about me.”

 

He’d lost steam there. He’d barely been able to say ‘I’m gay’ to Taylor. He couldn’t say it to his father. Not yet. 

 

The thing was, he knew it was true. His father was trying. Lukas knew that, but he also knew his father was struggling. Sure, he hadn’t forbidden Lukas from seeing Philip. He hadn’t looked for a therapist who would fix this part of Lukas. He tried to ask about Philip, even if he didn’t let Lukas answer. But it had only been two weeks. He wasn’t okay with it yet. He was just pretending to be.  

 

His father was still the guy who had left him alone, in a hospital, in a coma, with a murderer after him, and not answered his phone. When Lukas had woken up, Philip had been there. Gabe had been there. Helen had been there. 

 

His father had still stunk like whiskey when Gabe drove him to the crime scene. 

 

Lukas remembered that. It was the one thing he hadn’t told _anyone_ yet. Not Philip, not Taylor, not Dr. Marie. 

 

Every time he thought about that, it got a little worse. It had just been a kiss on the forehead. Yes, it made it look like Philip was his boyfriend, but it wasn’t like his father had walked in on them having sex. A kiss on the forehead could have meant other things. It would have been a stretch, but it wasn’t impossible. It wasn’t conclusive evidence that they were together. His father didn’t know anything about Philip. Then or now. Philip could have been a touchy feely person. Philip could have just been that upset. Maybe his father might have assumed that just Philip was gay. 

 

And even if it had just been the last piece that let his father fit it all together… was finding out that Lukas had someone who was scared for him really that bad? Philip had watched the murderer terrorizing the town almost get Lukas too. He’d wanted to sit with Lukas and talk to him and get him to wake up and gotten upset when it didn’t work. 

 

Was that really so horrifying that it had sent his father running away and chasing what he’d seen with a quarter bottle of whiskey? Was it really so awful that his father couldn’t face seeing him when he woke up?

 

“That’s not what I said,” his father finally replied. 

 

Lukas glanced from his phone to the rearview mirror. His father’s face was pale and set hard. His gaze was fixed on the road. 

 

Lukas continued to pretend to play with his phone. It buzzed in his hands. It was a text from Philip.

 

_Can’t go out today. Call me when you get home?_

 

For a second, Lukas was relieved. He’d been worrying off and all morning about what it would be like to have Philip around when Taylor knew the truth. The relief passed quickly. The anger he felt at himself for feeling relieved passed quickly. The exhausted frustration at not being able to just… be worried about his boyfriend being okay lingered. 

 

“Maybe… maybe we should just schedule a meeting with them,” his father finally said. “We can ask what sort of stuff is in their lifestyle clauses. Talk to them about any concerns we have. Give them a chance to tell us what they are looking for in the people they sponsor.”

 

 _Telling people is good for me_ , Lukas said in his head. _Being forced to hide is going to hurt me_. 

 

“You want me to lie,” Lukas said. 

 

“Stop putting words in my mouth, Lukas.” He hadn’t exactly snapped, but his voice was harsher than it had been. 

 

For a second, Lukas considered snapping back. Letting himself get angry again. But the flame died in his chest as fast as it had come. They were nearly home. Something had clearly happened to Philip. What was the point?

 

He put his head phones back in and turned his podcast back on.

 

* * *

 

 

He and Lukas run from the cabin and Lukas fires into the windows. Philip can hear his heartbeat in his chest, nearly as loud as the gunshots. Over and over again, but fading under the sound of the dirt bike underneath them. Lukas is warm in his arms. Then hot. Then burning. They come to the lake. Lukas starts to yell, “No one can know. No one can know.” He’s waving the gun. 

 

He shoots Philip through the chest. 

 

Philip watches the spray of blood and shards of bone fly out of his own body. Watches the blood bloom across his tee shirt. Watches himself sag forward into the lake, and sink to the bottom. 

 

 

Philip jerked up, gasping for breath in the dim and fought through a moment of panic as he realized that it was blankets holding him down. Not water. Not ice. 

 

He threw the covers off of himself and dropped back down against his mattress, waiting for his breath to steady and his heartbeat to slow back down. 

 

He’d had this dream before. It was just a dream. It felt real because it had almost happened. There had been a moment, running away from the murders, where he’d believed that Lukas was about to shoot him. _Three can keep a secret when two are in the grave._

 

Philip was gasping for air now. He was getting dizzy. He scrambled for his nightstand. It was light out. Lighter than he’d realized. He just needed to get to his phone. Lukas had sent him that moving shape thing. It did help. 

 

His arm flew out, too fast, too hard. He knocked his phone off his nightstand, there was no air, and his heart was going to beat out of his chest. 

 

His lungs were going to collapse, his heart was going to give out. 

 

It was like drowning. His lungs were burning like he was drowning. 

 

He was drowning.

 

He pushed himself out of bed, struggled down the hall. He was trying to call out for Helen or Gabe but there wasn’t enough air in his lungs. 

 

He fell into their door and tried to knock as he slid to the ground. 

 

He wasn’t sure how either of them figured out what was wrong. He wasn’t sure if he was talking or not. How could he talk without air?

 

But Helen was pressing two smooth, cold pellets into his hand. Gabe was pushing a wet cup into his other hand. 

 

And for a second, he thought: _No_. 

 

_No. No. No._

 

He’d seen this before. Shaking and falling and desperately gobbling down whatever pills anyone had been able to find anywhere. 

 

Philip turned his wrist. Let the pills fall to the floor. 

 

_No._

 

 _“_ No.”

 

Someone pulled the cup from his other hand. 

 

His lungs were screaming. There was no air. None. 

 

And then he felt a hand comb through his hair.

 

“Philip,” Helen said softly, brushing his hair back from his face. “It’s okay. It’s okay.”

 

He looked up at her. Her ice blue eyes were full of sunlight. 

 

“It’s okay,” she repeated. “It’s okay.”

 

The cup was pressed back into his hand. A hand clasped over his knee. Helen grabbed the pills up off the floor, and when she pressed them back into Philip’s hand, he took them. 

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
